My mother, now 96, is in rapidly failing health. Always a model of vitality, it has been difficult for me to imagine the world without her. Yet, as she becomes increasingly frailer, my brother and I decided that it was time for us to tie up loose ends at the cemetery so that when her time came to die, all we would need to do is make a call and set a funeral date.
Twenty-five years ago, our mother told us that she had made arrangements to be buried in a double grave with our father, who had died in 1959. She said we would have no worries and that she had taken care of everything. We believed her.
However, last week, just to be certain everything was taken care of, I made an appointment with a pre-need counselor at the cemetery. It was then that I learned that other than my mother having requested in writing to be interred with my father, she had done nothing else nor paid any costs relative to her funeral and burial.
As my mother’s sight, hearing and strength diminished precipitously over the last two years, along with increasing dementia and changes in her demeanor and behavior, I began mourning the mother I once knew. I felt, nevertheless, emotionally ready to deal with her funeral and burial arrangements.
My pre-need counselor was kind and thorough and covered all the details and costs. About thirty minutes into an hour-long meeting, I stopped her and asked, “As someone who has officiated at hundreds of funerals, guided people through the mourning process, and understands the cemetery ‘business’ as well as I do, this must be for you relatively easy working with me. But what is it like for you to help people who, suddenly, in the shock and grief of a death have to do everything from scratch to prepare for the funeral and burial of their loved ones because nothing had been arranged in advance?”
“John,” she said, “It is very hard! These meetings take a long time and there is much pain and confusion. Sometimes, there is rage directed at me, and people fall apart emotionally in my office. I try and help them in every way. These meetings are often difficult and painful to get through, for them and for me.”
What is the take-away? For the sake of our spouses, children, grandchildren, siblings, and friends, I urge everyone to make arrangements for and pay for our own funerals, burial and internment now, long before it is necessary for others to do it on our behalf.
It is unfair, I believe, to leave the funeral and burial details to those we love. It is also unfair to leave them with the bill in the midst of their grief.
I understand why so many of us fail to make these arrangements. We’re afraid, and/or confronting our mortality is deeply distressing to us, especially if we have significant health problems. Some of us do not want to spend the money and we decide that our children will pay for everything after the fact out of our estates.
There is much to consider as we think about options. To assist you, please see a 45-page guide called “Preparing for Jewish Burial and Mourning” that I wrote two years ago that covers everything you will need to understand and consider in Jewish tradition and cemetery practice (http://hillsidememorial.org/jewish-lifecycle-guide/ or http://www.tioh.org/images/Worship/ClergyStudy/preparing%20for%20jewish%20burial%20and%20mourning.pdf).
This is not an easy task, but it is a necessary one.
May you and your dear ones enjoy long and healthy lives, and may you sleep well at night knowing that what you do now will relieve the people you love the most from having to do after you die.
Kol tuv – Best wishes!
Rabbi John Rosove's Blog 
Yasher koach, John. A very important message.
Dear John,
Please accept my sympathy for what sounds like a challenging and difficult path on which you and your brother find yourselves. Your profound professional and personal experiences give you a rare vantage point. I’ve also heard you discuss your father’s premature passing and I do not presume to be able to fully comprehend your experience.
I felt compelled to write because I am not sure I agree with one of your comments.
You urge everyone to make arrangements for and pay for our own funerals, burial and internment now, long before it is necessary for others to do it on our behalves. I believe there is a critical distinction here. I agree with your comments economically, and believe it is financially and personally responsible not to leave one’s children saddled with the expense of the funeral/burial.
On the non-economic front, however, the care we bring to the experience of planning a funeral and burying our loved ones, I believe, is one of the fundamental experiences a human being can have. It also can play an immeasurably valuable part in the healing process. As just a few examples, the process can bring a family closer together and/or may allow siblings and others to collaborate and work together in this last act of love and kindness. (Admittedly it does not always work out that way.)
From my perspective, having to date buried relatives young and old, I’ve discovered the experience of having specific planning responsibilities in the immediate wake of my loved ones’ deaths was extremely meaningful, therapeutic even, and a significant part of my mourning, grieving and healing process. Picking out and purchasing a burial plot, selecting a casket, writing an obituary, and planning the other details take on new significance in the immediate wake of a loved one’s death. In my circumstance if, after my loved ones died, everything had been arranged in advance and things happened automatically, I believe I would have been denied one of the pivotal healing opportunities and one of the most significant experiences I have ever had.
Sometimes the death of a close loved one can leave one paralyzed, as well it should. In W. H. Auden’s words, we stop all the clocks. But the process of winding back up and learning how to accept and begin to move forward again, albeit difficult, is critical. In my opinion, the steps we take in the immediate aftermath of a loved one’s death can help set the stage for all that comes after. While a mentally competent loved one’s desires should be respected, and specific situations demand specific solutions, I believe that as a general principle the process of planning a funeral and burial for a loved one can contribute immeasurable benefits to the living – – both as individuals and as a community. I do not believe we should deny others, or be denied ourselves, of the opportunity to participate in the planning for the funeral and the burial.
I am so very sorry to know what you and your brother are going through with your mother.
Warmly,
Peter
Thank you, Rabbi Rosove!