Category Archives: Life Cycle

On Being Grateful While Living in Both “Light” and “Shadow”

23 Wednesday Nov 2011

Posted by in American Politics and Life, Ethics, Inuyim - Prayer reflections and ruminations, Life Cycle, Musings about God/Faith/Religious life, Quote of the Day

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Tennessee Williams said, “You know we live in light and shadow. That’s what we live in – a world of light and shadow; and it’s confusing.” (Orpheus Descending)

None of our lives is simple, but along comes Thanksgiving each year and the expectation is for us to emphasize that for which we are thankful regardless of how we might feel.

For some of us, gratitude comes easily, and for others feeling grateful is a significant challenge. I believe that nurturing gratitude is one of the most effective means to dispel the “shadow.” For some, pharmaceutical help is indicated, and I urge it if that is your situation. For most of us, we need a way to help ourselves get out into “light.”

I have a suggested exercise that may help. If each of us were to take out a blank sheet of paper and list on one side all the good things in our lives and all the negatives on the other, which side would be longer? Spare nothing in compiling your lists. On the positive side, start with “I am alive!” even if you are sick or in pain. Include all that you have – home, food, medical care, family, friends, the ability to see, hear, walk, use the bathroom, to help others. Take your time and make the list as detailed as you can.

Then list all the negatives. Include every ache and pain, every loss from which you have not been able to heal, the holes in your heart, your frustrations and aggravations, your unmet dreams, your overly thin-skin, your inability to control rage, envy, jealousy, resentment, your feeling victimized, etc.

Now, given the two lists, which one takes most of your time, vitality and attention?

For me, thankfully, the side in “light” is so much longer than the side in “shadow,” yet there are times that I spend proportionately too much time in “shadow.” Not good for me or for those around me, and I know it.

On Yom Kippur, I made a commitment that I would emphasize the “light” of my life and not the “shadow.” The good news for me is that I feel and express gratitude easily despite my spending more time in “shadow” than is good for me.

Yet, I wake up each morning usually feeling refreshed, and excited about the morning sun, the new day, new opportunities to learn, think and create, to be with the people I love and enjoy, and to do meaningful work in my synagogue and friendship communities.

If you too often find yourself in “shadow”, perhaps these quotations on the theme of gratitude can help make this Thanksgiving Day happier and every day more meaningful.

“Hodu l’Adonai ki tov, ki l’olam chasdo” (“Give thanks to God, for Adonai is good…God’s steadfast love is eternal.” –  Psalm 136 (9th century, B.C.E.)

“When you arise in the morning give thanks for the morning light, for your life and strength. Give thanks for your food and the joy of living. If you see no reason for giving thanks, the fault lies in yourself.” – Native American Prayer, Tecumseh Tribe

“How strange we are in the world, and how presumptuous our doings! Only one response can maintain us: gratefulness for witnessing the wonder, for the gift of our unearned right to serve, to adore, and to fulfill. It is gratefulness which makes the soul great.” – Rabbi Abraham Joshua Heschel (1907-1972)

“Ingratitude to a human being is ingratitude to God.” – Rabbi Samuel Hanagid (993-1056 CE)

“Feeling gratitude and not expressing it is like wrapping a present and not giving it.” – William Arthur Ward, American scholar, author, pastor and teacher (1921-1997)

“Gratitude, not understanding, is the secret to joy and equanimity.” – Anne Lamott, writer (b. 1954)

“Thank everyone who calls out your faults, your anger, your impatience, your egotism; do this consciously, voluntarily.” – Jean Toomer, poet and novelist (1894-1967)

“We should write an elegy for every day that has slipped through our lives unnoticed and unappreciated. Better still, we should write a song of thanksgiving for all the days that remain.” – Sarah Ban Breathnach, author (b 1948)

“Gratitude is not only the greatest of virtues, but the parent of all others.” – Cicero, Roman philosopher (106 BC – 43 BC)

“If the only prayer you say in your life is ‘Thank you,’ that would suffice.” – Meister Eckhart, German theologian, philosopher (1260-1328)

“I can no other answer make but thanks, and thanks, and thanks, and ever thanks.” – William Shakespeare (1564-1616)

Happy Thanksgiving!

 

 

A Story to Warm Your Heart

27 Thursday Oct 2011

Posted by in Life Cycle, Stories

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Elie Wiesel said, “Some stories happened but are not true, while others never happened but are true.” This may be one of them. I received it this morning from Janet Waxman, the wife of Congressman Henry Waxman, and I thank her for it. (see below for notes on the original story)

The brand new Rabbi and his wife were newly assigned to their first congregation to reopen a Shul in suburban Brooklyn. They arrived in early February excited about their opportunities. When they saw their Shul, it was very run down and needed much work. They set a goal to have everything done in time to have their first service on Erev Purim. They worked hard, repairing aged pews, plastering walls, painting, etc., and on 8th of the Adar (February 17th) they were ahead of schedule and just about finished. On February 19 a terrible snowstorm hit the area and lasted for two days. On the 21st, the Rabbi went to the Shul. His heart sank when he saw that the roof had leaked, causing a large area of plaster about 20 feet by 8 feet to fall off the front wall of the sanctuary just behind the pulpit, beginning about head high. The Rabbi cleaned the mess on the floor, and not knowing what else to do but postpone the Erev Purim service, headed home.

On the way home, he noticed that a local business was having a flea market type sale for charity, so he stopped in. One of the items was a beautiful, handmade, ivory colored, crocheted tablecloth with exquisite work, fine colors and a Magen David embroidered in the center. It was just the right size to cover the hole in the front wall. He bought it and headed back to the Shul. By this time it had started to snow. An older woman running from the opposite direction was trying to catch the bus. She missed it. The Rabbi invited her to wait in the warm Shul for the next bus 45 minutes later. She sat in a pew and paid no attention to the Rabbi while he got a ladder, hangers, etc., to put up the tablecloth as a wall tapestry. The Rabbi could hardly believe how beautiful it looked and it covered up the entire problem area.

Then the Rabbi noticed the woman walking down the center aisle. Her face was white as a sheet. “Rabbi, “she asked, “Where did you get that tablecloth?” The Rabbi explained. The woman asked him to check the lower right corner to see if the initials, EBG were crocheted  there. They were. These were the initials of the woman, and she had made this tablecloth 35 years before, in Poland. The woman could hardly believe it as the Rabbi told how he had just bought “The Tablecloth.” She explained that before the war she and her husband were well-to-do people in Poland. When the Nazis came, she was forced to leave. Her husband was going to follow her the next week. He was captured, sent to a camp and she never saw him or her home again.

The Rabbi wanted to give her the tablecloth; but she made the Rabbi keep it for the Shul. But he insisted on driving her home. That was the least he could do. She lived on the other side of Staten Island and was only in Brooklyn for the day for a housecleaning job.

What a wonderful service they had on Erev Purim. The Shul was almost full. The service was great. At the end of the service, the Rabbi and his wife greeted everyone at the door and many said that they would return. One older man, whom the Rabbi recognized from the neighborhood, continued to sit in one of the pews and stare, and the Rabbi wondered why he wasn’t leaving. The man asked him where he got the tablecloth on the front wall because it was identical to one that his wife had made years ago when they lived in Poland before the war, and how could there be two tablecloths so much alike? He told the Rabbi how the Nazis came, how he forced his wife to flee for her safety and he was supposed to follow her, but he was arrested and put in a camp. He never saw his wife or his home again all the 35 years between.

The Rabbi asked him if he would allow him to take him for a little ride. They drove to Staten Island and to the same house where the Rabbi had taken the woman three days earlier. He helped the man climb the three flights of stairs to the woman’s apartment, knocked on the door and he saw the greatest Erev Purim reunion he could imagine.

[Note: The original story was written by the Rev. Howard C. Schade, pastor of the First Reformed Church in Nyack, New York and was published in the December 1954 issue of Reader’s Digest. Cheryl Wetzstein read the original at the Library of Congress: http://www.washingtontimes.com/news/2009/dec/22/tablecloth-is-a-love-story/?page=all. Gratitude to Kitan Smole who told me of the source.]

When We or Our Loved Ones are Ill

26 Wednesday Oct 2011

Posted by in Ethics, Life Cycle

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This past year I wrote a series of eight life cycle booklets that will soon be posted on Temple Israel’s web-site. I wrote them because I have noticed how ill-equipped so many of us are when confronting joyous and stressful life events. Among the most challenging is illness. Below are a few of the frequently asked questions and responses that are included in the “Illness and Healing Guide.”

What should we do when our dear ones become ill? Depending on the seriousness of the illness, there are times when it is best for the ill person not to receive visitors except the closest relatives and friends. No one should visit the hospital, rehabilitation center, or home without checking first with either the ill person or a close relative.

When you visit, what should you do? When visiting, stay briefly, sit down, and allow the ill person to determine the nature and tone of the conversation. The visitor should be as non-intrusive as possible and not speak about themselves unless directly asked by the sick person, and then only briefly. The focus should be on the patient, first and foremost. Extreme displays of emotion are out of place and tend to not benefit the patient.

When visiting how long should you stay? Visitors should stay no more than 10 or 15 minutes even if the ill person welcomes the visit. The energy necessary to receive and “entertain” guests should be directed rather towards healing.

Who should visit whom? Only close relatives and friends should visit a person who is seriously ill or recovering from surgery. Though tradition requires everyone to visit the sick, there are other ways to offer one’s love, support and good wishes than actual visitation. Sending get-well cards and email messages are usually welcome because the sick can read them according to their own schedule. Phone calls to the hospital room or home may be a disturbance and should be handled by the closest relatives and friends. Unfortunately, some people avoid visiting or making contact with the sick as much as they can because of their own discomfort. This can isolate the ill. Those who are chronically ill often suffer from feelings of isolation and depression. Attention from relatives and friends can mitigate loneliness and despair.

Should you offer a healing blessing when you visit? Yes. Judaism affirms that a visitor should end a visit by offering a healing prayer. In addition to the traditional longer mi shebeirach healing blessing, there is a short five-word healing blessing first recited by Moses for his ailing sister, Miriam, when she was afflicted with leprosy: El na r’fa na la (for a female); El na r’fa na lo (for a male) – “Please God heal her/him!”

What should visitors say and not say? All conversation should be determined according to the wishes and interests of the ill person. If the ill person wishes to discuss his/her condition, the visitor should listen and, if warranted, ask leading questions, but not give false hope or cause the sick to despair as a result of his/her condition. The visitor should avoid self-referencing comments (i.e. turn the conversation around to him/herself).

Should you take a gift for the ill when you visit? If you are visiting a very ill person in the hospital, bringing gifts is probably not a good idea. If you are visiting someone in their home, a gift of healthy food or flowers, magazines or books is welcome. Sending flowers and notes to the hospital can usually be counted on to be well received.

What do you say to and what do you do for the family of a very ill person? When a loved one is very ill, members of the family are often depressed and fear the worst. What they need is the loving support of family and friends, offers to taken them for a quick meal away from the hospital or home, magazines to distract their attention while they sit with their dear ones. There is, however, no set prescription that fits everyone’s needs. Friends need to be sensitive to what will help and never impose themselves.