Category Archives: American Jewish Life

“The Jewish State” or “The State of the Jewish People” – A Distinction with a Significant Difference

20 Thursday Feb 2014

Posted by in American Jewish Life, Israel and Palestine, Israel/Zionism, Jewish History, Jewish Identity, Social Justice

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There are two ways to characterize the State of Israel in Hebrew. One is Ha-M’dinah Ha-Y’hudit (“The Jewish State”) and the other is M’dinato shel Ha-am Ha-Y’hudi (“The State of the Jewish People”). There is a significant difference between them that we ignore at Israel’s peril.

The former (“The Jewish State”) is exclusive to “certified Jews” (see below); the latter (“The State of the Jewish People”) is inclusive of Klal Yisrael (i.e. all of world Jewry, though Israeli citizens have duties, rights and privileges that Diaspora Jewry does not share) as well as of 1.5 million non-Jewish Israeli citizens, currently 20% of the population.

The former challenges Israel’s democratic principles; the latter enables democracy to flourish.

The former allows the State of Israel and “Greater Israel” (i.e. Biblical Israel) to be conflated as one; the latter allows for the establishment of two-states for two peoples on land both claim as their historic legacy.

The former gives license to ultra-Orthodox politicians to determine Israel’s religious standards, practices and character; the latter promotes freedom of choice and equal rights for Israeli Jews and Israeli non-Jews in matters of religious preference without the state’s interference or preference for one religion or religious stream over another.

Israel’s Declaration of Independence articulates clearly the state’s democratic principles:

The State of Israel …will ensure complete equality of social and political rights to all its inhabitants irrespective of religion, race or sex; it will guarantee freedom of religion, conscience, language, education and culture; it will safeguard the Holy Places of all religions….”

Unfortunately, these values have been compromised. In a recent New Yorker article, Bernard Avishai observed:

“…neo-Zionist ideas and Ben Gurion’s rash compromises with rabbinical forces over two generations ago [resulted in] laws that have left Israel a seriously compromised democracy…. this Jewish state allocates public land … almost exclusively to certified Jews, creates immigration laws to bestow citizenship on certified Jews, empowers the Jewish Agency to advance the well-being of certified Jews, lacks civil marriage and appoints rabbis to marry certified Jews only to one another, founded an Orthodox educational system to produce certified Jews …, assumes custodianship of a sacred capital for the world’s certified Jews – indeed, this Jewish state presumes to certify Jews in the first place. …In Israel, having J-positive blood is a serious material advantage….a fifth (soon a quarter) of Israeli citizens are Palestinian in origin, and thus are materially, legally disadvantaged by birth:” (“The Jewish State in Question,” The New Yorker, January 2, 2014 – http://www.newyorker.com/online/blogs/newsdesk/2014/01/the-jewish-state-in-question.html)

A “certified Jew” is that which ultra-Orthodox rabbis confer upon an individual whose mother and maternal line is Jewish going back generations, or upon converts who meet the approval of those same ultra-Orthodox rabbis.

“Non-certified Jews” include individuals born of a Jew whose Jewish status is questioned by those ultra-Orthodox rabbis, or who converts to Judaism with a Reform, Conservative, Reconstructionist, or Renewal rabbi, or even with most modern Orthodox rabbis in Israel and Diaspora communities.

“Non-certified Jews” cannot be married in Israel or buried in a Jewish cemetery in Israel even if they are Israeli-born, have served in the army, paid taxes, and were killed in battle or in a terrorist attack.

Ultra-Orthodox rabbis not only determine Israeli citizens’ Jewish status, but they have taken control of most Jewish holy sites including The Western Wall and Plaza, Rachel’s Tomb and the Cave of the Patriarchs and Matriarchs in Hebron. They have sought to separate the sexes in public areas and on public transportation, to shut down government services on Shabbat and Holy Days, to grant draft deferments to “certified Jews” studying in their yeshivot, and to disburse large sums of Israeli tax-payer money to ultra-orthodox schools and synagogues.

Israel’s internal challenges are broadly three-fold; to maintain its Jewish majority, its Jewish character and its democracy.

For Israel to retain its Jewish majority there needs to be a two-state agreement so that 1.5 million West Bank Palestinian Arabs can be relieved of Israeli occupation and become citizens of a Palestinian state. Before Michael Oren became Israel’s Ambassador to the United States, he wrote that Israel needs at least 70% of its population to be Jewish in order to assure its Jewish majority over the long-term (Commentary Magazine, May 2009). This means that those advocating the annexation of the West Bank into Israel in a one-state solution to the Israeli-Palestinian conflict are promoting a serious threat to Israel’s identity as the state of the Jewish people.

For Israel to remain a democratic society, it needs both a functioning judiciary and a Knesset that respects the separation of synagogue and state and assures equal treatment under the law for all Israeli citizens, Jewish and non-Jewish alike.

For all these reasons, designating Israel as a “Jewish State” compromises Israel’s democracy, Jewish majority and Jewish character.

To call Israel “The State of the Jewish people”, however, honors Israel’s Jewish diversity, preserves its Jewish majority and protects and sustains Israel’s democratic traditions.

Israeli MKs Need a Course in Anger Management – D’var Torah Ki Tisa

12 Wednesday Feb 2014

Posted by in American Jewish Life, American Politics and Life, Divrei Torah, Ethics, Israel and Palestine, Israel/Zionism, Jewish Identity

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Last week I was stuck in a traffic jam and one driver’s road rage was so intense that I feared a physical attack. It didn’t happen, but I got to thinking about how anger plagues so many of us and how badly it disturbs our relationships, our character and civil discourse.

This week’s Torah portion, Ki Tisa, pulls the veil off Moses’ rage. It is a famous scene. Moses is carrying the tablets of the law down from Mount Sinai when Joshua tells him of the people’s celebration around the golden calf. As Moses approaches the camp he hears for himself the revelry, his anger is kindled, and with righteous indignation he confronts the people, smashes the tablets, burns the golden calf, grinds it to powder, mixes the pulverized idol with water, and force-feeds the substance into the gullets of the guilty Israelites. (Exodus 32:15-20).

His rage still boiling over, in the next chapter we read, “Now Moses took the tent and pitched outside the camp.” (Exodus 33:7).

The Jerusalem Talmud (B’chorim 3:3) explains why he pitched the Tent of Meeting so far away from the camp:

“…because he was tired of the people’s constant complaining and criticism. As he would walk around the camp some would say ‘look at his thick neck, his fat legs, he must eat up all our money.’”

Moses moved the tent of meeting out of sight so that those who desired truly to come close to God would have to make the effort to do so.

God, however, appealed to Moses (Midrash Rabbah 45:2):

“I want you to change your mind, go back to the camp, and deal with the people face to face, as it says ‘The Eternal would speak to Moses face to face as one person speaks to another.’” (Exodus 33:11)

We can’t blame Moses for his impatience with the people. He had lived with their obstinacy, distrust and faithlessness since leaving Egypt. However, tradition reminds us that magnanimity of mind, heart and soul, compassion and patience are critical virtues in a leader and that once the leader loses control due to anger or despair, so too do the leader’s moral credibility and authority evaporate.

As a congregational rabbi and leader of a large religious institution, I have learned over more than 35 years of service that the very worst thing I could do is to respond to anyone impatiently and in anger, because when I would do so my credibility is compromised and my moral authority diminished. I believe this is true about leadership in religious institutions, in all kinds of business, in non-profit organizations, in the arts, education, government, politics, and diplomacy.

With this in mind, I have been shocked by the angry, intemperate and hostile accusations leveled against Secretary of State John Kerry by Israeli Strategic Affairs Minister Yuval Steinitz, Likud MK and Deputy Minister Ofir Akunis, and especially by Economics Minister and Jewish Home party chairman Naftali Bennett who recently called Secretary Kerry an anti-Semite. US National Security Advisor Susan Rice was quick to respond, and properly so, by defending Secretary Kerry’s integrity, friendship to the state of Israel, and sincere motivations in his peace efforts, as did Israeli PM Benjamin Netanyahu and Israeli President Shimon Peres.

As if these extremist and intemperate remarks weren’t enough, at the same time an orthodox Israeli Knesset member David Rotem, who serves as the chairman of the Knesset Law, Constitution and Justice Committee, said that the Reform movement “is not Jewish. It is another religion.” In response Rabbi Rick Jacobs, the President of the North American Union for Reform Judaism, and Rabbi Gilad Kariv, Executive Director of the Israel Movement for Progressive Judaism, called on the Israeli government to censure MK Rotem and remove him from his leadership roles.

At the very least, full and sincere apologies from these leaders are in order.

It is my position that a leader of the state of Israel who continuously insults United States officials and dismisses the legitimacy of a major religious movement of the Jewish people should be dismissed from his/her leadership duties.

Tradition says that Moses ultimately lost his dream to enter the Promised Land because in anger at the people he struck a rock with a stick instead of speaking to it as God had commanded him.

The Talmud reminds us that “When a person loses his temper – If he is originally wise, he loses his wisdom, and if he is a prophet, he loses his prophecy.” (Babylonian Talmud, Pesachim 66b).

If Moses could be so diminished by his anger that God would deny him his most cherished dream then so too should leaders of the Israeli government lose their positions when their words are insulting and intemperate.

Why I Joined as a Plaintiff in a Law Suit Against Los Angeles County

07 Friday Feb 2014

Posted by in American Jewish Life, American Politics and Life, Ethics, Jewish-Christian Relations, Social Justice

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When the Board of Supervisors took a vote at its January meeting to restore a religious cross to the Los Angeles County Seal I was shocked, stunned and alarmed.

There are ten million citizens of Los Angeles County of whom 3.8 million are Christian, 564,000 are Jewish, 93,000 are Muslim, 70,000 are Buddhist, 73,000 are Hindu, and 4 million do not identify with any religious faith. However, by a vote of 3 (Antonovich, Knabe and Ridley-Thomas) to 2 (Molina and Yaroslavsky) the cross was ordered returned to the LA County seal, a blatant violation of the first amendment of the US Constitution that prohibits government endorsement of religion.

Ten years ago (2004) the correct decision was taken by the Board of Supervisors in a vote of 3 to 2 to remove the cross because it is a universally recognized religious symbol that is unique and special for people of Christian faith.

In response to the January Board of Supervisors vote, the ACLU invited me along with eight other religious leaders including Rabbi Harold Schulweis of Valley Beth Shalom Synagogue in Encino, UCLA Professor of Jewish History David Myers, the Reverend Peter Laarman of Progressive Christians Uniting,  Father Ian Davies of St. Thomas the Apostle Episcopal Church in Hollywood, the Reverend Ed Bacon of All Saints Church in Pasadena, Shakeel Syed, Executive Director of the Islamic Shura Council of Southern California, Rabbi Amy Bernstein of Kehillat Israel Reconstructionist Congregation in Pacific Palisades, and the Reverend Tera Little, Consulting Minister of the First Universalist Parish of Pasadena, to join as plaintiffs in this case. We all willingly agreed as religious leaders and as citizens living in LA County.

For us, our position (as opposed to that taken by Supervisors Antonovich, Knabe and Ridley-Thomas) is the true pro-religion position because we believe that by preserving the separation of church and state, we in fact preserve a safe, neutral space for followers of all religions to practice their faiths unhindered, without the implied endorsement and intimidation from an action signifying that government prefers, even symbolically, one religious denomination over others.

No child, no woman and no man should ever feel in the United States that he or she is marginal in matters of faith. America is NOT a Christian nation according to the US Constitution, nor is it a Jewish nation, a Muslim nation, or any other kind of nation based on a specific faith tradition.

Since the case was filed yesterday, Supervisor Mike Antonovich has equated the ACLU with “Storm Troopers” and thereby slandered an organization the sole purpose of which is to defend the United States Bill of Rights, a cornerstone of American democracy. The Supervisor’s language is especially offensive to me as a Jew because I associate “Storm Troopers” with Nazism. By choosing both to put the cross back on the seal and using such inflammatory language, Mr. Antonovich has made this issue particularly divisive. Rather than help to unite this county Mr. Antonovich has chosen to insult and injure decent people and thereby divide us.

I join with my co-plaintiffs and co-counsel at the ACLU and at the law firm of Caldwell, Leslie and Proctor in demanding that the Board of Supervisors reverse its January decision and save the County from spending any time and sources on this matter when so many other urgent needs are confronting it, including 50,000 homeless individuals, rising hunger and poverty, a dysfunctional foster care system, inadequate health care, and a corrupt Sheriff’s Department.

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“Jew-Free Palestine” – “Tension in Israeli Coalition” – “Israeli Manners” – “My Promised Land”

02 Sunday Feb 2014

Posted by in American Jewish Life, American Politics and Life, Book Recommendations, Ethics, Israel and Palestine, Israel/Zionism, Jewish History, Jewish Identity, Social Justice

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News, commentary, criticism, and reaction about the Kerry-Israeli-Palestinian Peace Mission are being written in great volume from every perspective within Israel and amongst the Palestinians. Among the most important pieces in recent days are these three that I recommend you read:

1. A Jew-Free Palestine – by Rabbi Donniel Hartman, Times of Israel

A superb and thoughtful analysis of the meaning of the West Bank settlements and their role in the future of the state of Israel. Rabbi Hartman says that Israel must now decide whether it wishes to be a Jewish democratic state or not.  http://blogs.timesofisrael.com/a-jew-free-palestine

2. Tension Builds in Israeli Coalition at a Critical Juncture in Peace Talks, by Jodi Rudoren, NYT

Where is Prime Minister Netanyahu vis a vis a two-state solution? Though his rhetoric is clearly in favor, his taking the hard decisions necessary to effect a concrete agreement will necessarily alienate his historic political allies. If he is serious, his compromises will reveal the extent of his political courage, which most Israelis do not believe he has. http://www.nytimes.com/2014/01/30/world/middleeast/israel.html?src=rechp

3. Israel Needs to Learn Some Manners – by Avi Shlaim, NYT

Avi Shlaim is an Iraqi-born British/Israeli historian and emeritus professor of International Relations at the University of Oxford. He is part of a group of Israeli scholars who have put forward critical interpretations of Israel and the history of Zionism (per Wikipedia). Shlaim takes Israeli right-wing government officials to task for their blatant, arrogant and dangerous treatment of Israel’s most important ally saying that these Israeli leaders (e.g. Defense Minister Yaalon, Likud leader Danon, and Bayit Hayehudi leader Bennett, among others) give chutzpah a bad name. http://www.nytimes.com/2014/01/31/opinion/israel-needs-to-learn-some-manners.html?src=rechp

Finally, I recommend “My Promised Land – The Triumph and Tragedy of Israel” by Ari Shavit (see review – Tuesday, January 14).

Shavit’s in-depth consideration of key events and phenomena that have shaped the history of Zionism and the state of Israel constitutes the most important and honest book to come out of Israel in the last 25 years. This volume will inform and provoke you, inspire you and break your heart. After reading it, your understanding will be far deeper about the meaning of the Jewish democratic state of Israel in modern Jewish history. In addition, his book will challenge your identity as a Jew, whether you live in Israel as a citizen of the state or in the Diaspora.

On Fear in the Rabbinate to Support the Kerry Mission

30 Thursday Jan 2014

Posted by in American Jewish Life, American Politics and Life, Ethics, Israel and Palestine, Israel/Zionism, Jewish History, Jewish Identity

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I am an avid reader of a restricted list-serve called RAVKAV that includes 2500 Reform Rabbis living and working in North America, Israel and around the world. Our conversation covers every possible theme. Most recently, the discussion has focused on the rabbinic and cantorial petition in support of Secretary Kerry’s Middle East Peace mission co-sponsored by the J Street Rabbinic Cabinet, T’ruah: The Rabbinic Call for Human Rights and Americans for Peace Now. I posted the petition in this space on January 26 (“For Zion’s Sake, We Will Not Be Silent” – Rabbis and Cantors Speak Out.)

A rabbi living Israel posted this comment, “The people aren’t buying the J Street solution to the Middle East.”

Disturbed by this misinformation, I posted the following:

The facts are otherwise. The recent Pew Research Center survey reveals that fully 61% of US Jews believe that prospects for peace with the Palestinians ending in an independent Palestinian state and peaceful co-existence with Israel is possible while 33% say it is not possible, which the survey says is more optimistic than the US general public (50% yes vs. 41% no) and the Israeli public (50% yes vs 38% no).     

My colleague notes as well that many of our colleagues are afraid for their jobs. I understand the fear, and if it is legitimate I do not judge any other colleague who chooses to keep his/her own counsel.

However, I ask how we congregational rabbis, in particular, can justify our not speaking out on perhaps the most important issue facing the Jewish people in our generation, whether Israel remains Jewish and democratic if it does not settle the Israeli-Palestinian conflict. Even PM Netanyahu knows that a two-state solution is the only way to do so. Though reports indicate that he is under enormous pressure from his right-wing coalition to maintain the status quo, surveys of Israelis indicate that a two-state deal with adequate security for Israelis would be accepted by 80 members of the Knesset and by a similar percentage of the Israeli public in a national referendum.

This joint statement by J Street, Americans for Peace Now, and T’ruah: The Rabbinic Call for Human Rights will demonstrate the support of large numbers of the American rabbinate and cantorate for Secretary Kerry’s peace efforts, and that will send an important message to the Obama administration and Congress that, in addition to the results of American Jewish opinion as reported in the Pew survey, that American rabbis and cantors also do not agree with the politics of the major American Jewish Organizations that have supported the more right wing position of parts of the Israeli government coalition.

One final thought to our more fearful colleagues – Rabbi Israel Salanter said it best: “A rabbi whose community does not disagree with him[her] is no rabbi. A rabbi who fears his[her] community is no mensch.”   

It is one thing to fear losing our jobs and quite another to fear the wrath and criticism of some of our congregants. If it’s the latter and my colleagues agree with the essence of the petition, I ask them to transcend their fear and sign on.”

My post, of course, did not pass without comment. The two sharpest critiques are these:

[1] J Street should stay out of making foreign policy.

[2] Rosove ought to cease calling colleagues ‘cowards’ (or not menschen) if they do not speak out.

In response to critique #1 – J Street is no different than AIPAC in advocating for the security and future of the state of Israel. If J Street has engaged in influencing American foreign policy then certainly AIPAC has done so for much longer. As American citizens, we have the right and duty to speak out, and as Jews we have the moral responsibility to do so.

Saying nothing about policies pursued by the Israeli government that we believe are contrary to Israel’s own security interests and democracy gives a pass to American Jews who advocate strongly that we should support everything the Jewish state does.

In response to critique #2 – Rabbi Israel Salanter was among the most important orthodox ethicists in 19th century European Jewry. In my RAVKAV post I acknowledged the difficulty in speaking out for those rabbis who legitimately fear for their positions and I do not judge them. However, when a rabbi simply fears upsetting some congregants and provoking criticism and remains silent, especially on matters of major Jewish and ethical significance, to me his/her own menschlechkite (per Rabbi Israel Salanter) is compromised.

I did not call any such rabbi a coward. It would be intemperate and unkind for me to do so.

 

Talking About Sex with Our Teen-Age Children – Another Difficult Conversation

28 Tuesday Jan 2014

Posted by in American Jewish Life, Ethics, Health and Well-Being, Life Cycle, Women's Rights

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One of the most uncomfortable conversations that parents of teen-agers have with their children, if indeed they have this conversation at all, is about sex. Far too many parents avoid the subject altogether out of embarrassment, ignorance or confusion, and assume that their kids will figure it out the way they did or get information from school psychologists and counselors.

Leaving this sensitive and vital area of a young person’s life to others, however, is a missed opportunity for parents to help their teen-age children navigate through rough waters while at the same time keeping open the lines of communication as their children enter young adulthood.

What does Judaism have to teach us about sex that we can discuss with our children, and what thoughts about sex might parents share with their teen-age children that can be helpful to them in our liberal age?

It is one thing for traditionally religious Jewish parents to discuss these issues with their children and quite another for secular liberal Jewish parents to discuss them. I encourage parents to speak with their rabbis, educators and development specialists if they are at a loss about what they should say and how they should say it.

Many traditional Jewish values are affirmed by all the religious streams including Orthodox, Conservative, Reconstructionist, and Reform Judaism, though the concrete behaviors relative to those values differ between the traditional and liberal approaches to Jewish tradition.

All the religious streams affirm the principle that the human being is created “B’tzelem Elohim – In God’s image” (Genesis 1:26-27) thereby endowing each person with infinite value and worth. As such, our bodies are to be appreciated as far more than millions of atoms and chemicals, flesh, bones, and blood. We are, each of us, a k’li kodesh (holy vessel) infused by the n’shamah (divine soul).

Other classic Jewish values embraced by the whole of Judaism, though understood differently by each religious stream, are tz’niyut (modesty) and anavah (humility). Ostentatious display of and exploitation of our bodies, and public sexual behavior are contrary to both liberal and traditionally religious virtues of modesty and humility.

Classic Judaism affirms essentially three purposes for sex – procreation, the establishment of loving and enduring relationships, and pleasure. Though traditional Judaism does not accept the legitimacy of homosexuality, liberal Judaism does, and it regards committed heterosexual and homosexual unions (for orthodox families heterosexual sex within marriage and for liberal families heterosexual and homosexual sex before and after marriage) as opportunities to fulfill Judaism’s three purposes of sex.

What about teen sexuality?

The most common question teens ask is: ‘How will I know when I am ready for sex?’ Planned Parenthood articulates clear and appropriate criteria in assessing a young person’s sexual readiness. It defines a healthy sexual relationship as having seven basic qualities: respect, honesty, equality, good communication, trust, fairness, and responsibility. Further, Planned Parenthood recommends that teens ask themselves these questions before they become sexually active:

  • Do each of you have the other’s consent?
  • Have you been pressured to give consent?
  • Are you honest with each other?
  • Do you treat each other as equals?
  • Are you attentive to each other’s pleasure?
  • Have you protected each other against physical and emotional harm?
  • Have you guarded against unintended pregnancy and sexually transmitted infection?
  • Are you clear with each other about what you want to do and don’t want to do?
  • Do you respect each other’s limits?
  • Have you accepted full responsibility for your actions?

I do not believe that most young teens (i.e. 13 to 18 years of age) are ready for sexual intercourse even if they are able to answer in the affirmative all these questions. Most are too emotionally immature to cope with the power of their sexual feelings and the meaning and consequences of sexual intimacy.

Parents ought to be the first to advise their children to exercise caution by discussing Jewish and family values and by encouraging their teen-age children to ask the above questions about their sexual readiness. Our children need to feel, as well, self-confident that they are able to refuse sexual activity if they feel in any way unready, uncomfortable, embarrassed, demeaned, exploited, or pressured.

Finally, our teen-age children need to understand that they are still very young and that their time will come when becoming sexually active feels and is right.

Note: This is one in a series of blogs I am writing about difficult conversations that come up in families, among friends and in the workplace that we sometimes avoid or do badly. For a complete list, see my blog entitled “Difficult Conversations – January 17, 2014.”

“For Zion’s Sake, We Will Not Be Silent” – Rabbis and Cantors Speak Out

26 Sunday Jan 2014

Posted by in American Jewish Life, American Politics and Life, Israel and Palestine, Israel/Zionism, Jewish History, Jewish Identity

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A recent report from the Jewish Council for Public Affairs (JCPA) found that one third of American rabbis are reluctant to express their views on Israel because of intimidation by extremist voices in their communities and out of fear of losing their positions. That needs to change, and so the Rabbinic Cabinet of J Street, Americans for Peace Now, and T’ruah: The Rabbinic Call for Human Rights co-wrote a petition calling upon all American rabbis and cantors to speak up now in support of Secretary Kerry’s mission to assist Israel and the Palestinians in resolving their conflict in a two-states for two peoples agreement that ends Israel’s occupation of the West Bank and justly resolves all issues and claims, including security, borders, settlements, Jerusalem, refugees, and water between Israelis and the Palestinians.

The petition says:

We are American Rabbis and Cantors, united in service of the Jewish people and committed to the people and the land of Israel. We have studied in Israel, and taught about Israel, visited countless times and brought members of our communities with us. We have lived in Israel and immersed ourselves in her history and culture. Many of us have family, friends, and colleagues who live there. Some of us hold Israeli citizenship. We, as a community, have dedicated ourselves to support for Israel, to her long-term security and to her future as a Jewish homeland and a democracy.

All of us believe that for Israel to have a future as a Jewish and a democratic state, living within secure, defined and recognized borders, there must be a resolution to the Israeli-Palestinian conflict.

At this moment, Secretary of State John Kerry – backed by President Obama – has made heroic efforts to bring all the parties to the negotiating table. Months of negotiations are beginning to bear fruit. Secretary Kerry has taken up the challenge of the Psalmist to “seek peace and pursue it,” but he cannot bring peace on his own. “We really are at a critical point,” said Secretary Kerry “as Palestinians and Israeli leaders grapple with difficult and challenging decisions that lie ahead.”

We must now heed the call of our tradition, and loudly and clearly proclaim that it is because of our commitment to Israel that we stand up and act for the two-state solution. “For Zion’s sake, I will not be silent, and for the sake of Jerusalem I will not rest.”(Isaiah 62:1). And so we commit to be active supporters of those who work day in and day out to bring about a peace agreement.

The voices of those who support peace and justice must rise up above the din of doubt and denial. We pledge that we will speak from our pulpits, in our classrooms, at our camps and in our newspapers, to deliver a message of hope and faith. We will speak of the urgency of this moment and of the necessity of communal action. We will speak up for Israel, against the occupation and for peace.

Our voices will not be silenced. Our loyalties cannot be called into question. The time now is too critical, the stakes too high.

We will speak up in support of peace, heeding the words of Theodor Herzl: “If you will it, it is no dream; and if you do not will it, a dream it is and a dream it will stay.”

It goes without saying that there must be mutual agreement between Israel and the Palestinians in whatever is worked out between them, and this includes security guarantees, an “end of claims” and “end of conflict” clauses in any deal.

This is the spirit in which these three rabbinic organizations have produced this petition. I therefore invite my rabbinic and cantorial colleagues from every American religious stream to sign the petition and make known publicly their support for current peace efforts.

I ask readers whose rabbis and cantors are inclined to support Secretary Kerry’s efforts, but have not done so publicly, to send them this blog and encourage them to sign as well.

Telling Children that Parents are Getting a Divorce – Another Difficult Conversation

21 Tuesday Jan 2014

Posted by in American Jewish Life, Ethics, Health and Well-Being, Life Cycle

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Few events are as destabilizing, disappointing, painful, and sad as divorce, and when children are involved the potential for real harm to them is great if parents are not careful about what they say and how they behave.

No matter how contentious the parents’ relationship has become, they should strive to do everything possible to spare their children unnecessary exposure to their anger and disappointment. Since every age of childhood requires special understanding relative to the child’s developmental and emotional needs, child development experts should be consulted to assist parents and teachers in helping children cope with the dramatic changes taking place in their family.

Both parents should agree on how and when they explain their divorce to their children and how they will relate to their children following the announcement. It is best when children are told with both parents present.

Parents should never speak ill of each other to the children, as doing so will be emotionally damaging.

When telling their children, I recommend that they say something to this effect:

“We both love you. We will always be your parents. Sadly, we have decided that it would be better for us not to live together or to continue being married. Our decision has nothing to do with you. There is nothing you did that caused us to end our marriage and there is nothing you can do to bring us back together. We know that our divorce is deeply disappointing and distressing to you, as it is to us, and that you are very sad about it, as are we, but we believe that this change will be better for us, and we hope in time that you will understand. We are both here for you. We both love you.” 

It is a mistake for parents to share details of what went wrong in their marriage with their children. The children may know that there have been problems, but they do not need to know specifics, for that is the parents’ business and theirs alone.

Parents need to remember that their children are watching them. Everything they say and do affects them, and they will learn to cope with their own life challenges by the example their parents set as they cope with the end of their marriage.

Parents need not be stoic in front of their kids, but neither should they show constantly to them how grieved, angry, pained, and disappointed the parents feel.

Parents should strive to keep the children’s lives as normal as possible, should be open to hearing what their kids think and feel, and should not try and convince their kids that they are wrong to feel as they do, that they should “get over it” before they are ready, or ignore the pain they feel. Parents should accept what their kids say on their terms and affirm that their feelings are legitimate.

Parents should hug their children a lot and tell them how much they love them.

It is important that the children of divorcing parents have the support of close family, friends, clergy, therapists, and teachers. Parents should explain to their children how important it is for their teachers to be aware about the divorce so that they can emotionally support them as needed in the classroom.

The time following divorce, like that following a death, needs a grieving period. Shock, denial, anger, sadness, and acceptance are part of what divorcing parents can anticipate from their children. Children might act out in a variety of ways. Some may not react during the first months, and their reactions will vary according to age and respective relationships with each parent. As parents and children move through this transition together, children should understand that they must speak respectfully to their parents and siblings even if they are furious at their parents for this change that has been imposed on their lives.

It is a mistake for parents to over-compensate in what they allow and give to their children. Parents should not attempt to buy their child’s happiness. Among the most important things parents can do is to agree together on their expectations, privileges and punishments. This is often difficult, but if parents, despite their antagonisms, are willing to communicate and coordinate regarding their children, so that neither home is viewed as a sanctuary from the other home, then the stability and constancy children need will be more likely to occur.

I have written a booklet called “When Jews Divorce” that more completely discusses the Jewish view on divorce and other options for divorcing partners. It can be found on my synagogue’s website at http://www.tioh.org/images/Worship/ClergyStudy/when%20jews%20divorce.pdf.

Note: This is one in a series of blogs I am writing about difficult conversations that come up in families, among friends and in the workplace that we sometimes avoid or do badly. For a complete list, see my blog “More Difficult Conversations – January 17, 2014.”

Helping a Grieving Child after the Death of a Loved One – Another Difficult Conversation

19 Sunday Jan 2014

Posted by in American Jewish Life, Health and Well-Being, Life Cycle, Poetry

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Death is the greatest destabilizing and shattering of life experiences, and is particularly challenging to children who, for the most part, have not as yet developed the life-skills necessary to effectively cope emotionally and spiritually with this magnitude of loss. They consequently need all the support  that extended family, friends, clergy, teachers, therapists, classmates, and community can give them.

What do children know about death and when do they know it?

Very young children under the age of six years approach death with a kind of “magical thinking.” For example, the coyote in the Roadrunner cartoons is consistently pulverized in his pursuit of the Roadrunner. Yet, after every crushing experience, he is reconstituted, comes back to life and continues his pursuit of the Roadrunner. Cartoon characters do not stay dead, and very young children assume that people who die will also return to life.

Some children believe, from an egocentric perspective, that they might have caused the death, and it needs to be explained to them that all people die and that they themselves had absolutely nothing to do with Grandma’s death.

Children over the age of 7 are already beginning to understand concretely and abstractly the meaning of death. Many are fearful for their own safety and the safety of other close adults in their lives. They need reassurance from their surviving parents, grandparents and extended family that everyone else is healthy and has many more years to live, that this was a very sad and/or tragic experience and that it is likely not going to be repeated for many years.

They need to understand, as well, that most illness is treatable and people recover. Just because someone gets sick does not mean that they will die.

Children need to understand that death and sleep are different in order to keep at bay their fear that going to sleep means they, or their loved ones, won’t awaken in the morning.

Children need to know the truth about what causes death, that the disease that killed their loved ones is not necessarily contagious and that their surviving family members are safe.

If children ask about God, I urge you not to say: “God must have wanted Grandma!” “Grandpa is now in a better place!” “God gives us only those burdens that God believes we can handle!”  Such thinking pits God against human beings rather than offer us a divine source of solace and comfort in our loss. The Kotzker Rebbe (Rabbi Menachem Mendel Morgensztern of Kotzk, 1787-1859) said that “God is closest to those whose hearts are broken.”

I am moved by the perspective of the French theologian Teilhard de Chardin, who observed that

“We are not human beings having a spiritual experience. We are spiritual beings having a human experience.”

You might share this idea with your children as it may open their hearts, minds and souls to a greater understanding of who they are at their essential spiritual core.

As a practical matter, I do not encourage children under the age of 5 to attend funerals because they do not understand what is taking place and are often distracting to the mourners. Children over the age of 5 or 6, however, should be given the option to attend after understanding what will take place and what will be expected of them.

Children should be involved in helping to make decisions about the funeral and what happens later in the home.

When the child returns to school, his/her friends also need to be prepared to receive them. The child should be greeted warmly by everyone, invited to join a group of kids at lunch, to walk with classmates between classes, to schedule play dates, and to do homework together.

Classmates should acknowledge what has happened by saying such things as, “I am so sorry that your Dad died.” “I’ve missed you.” “I’ve been thinking about you.” “I can’t imagine what it feels like.” “I’m here for you if you ever want to talk.”

For all of us, there is nothing more painful than the loss of the people we love. This unknown poet, offers comfort, perspective and hope:

“Four things are beautiful beyond belief: / The pleasant weakness that comes after pain, / The radiant greenness that comes after rain, / The deepened faith that follows after grief, / And the re-awakening to love again.”

I have written a booklet (“Preparing for Jewish Burial and Mourning”) that describes in some detail concisely Jewish burial and mourning customs. I believe it can be helpful for you and your children in better understanding how Judaism understands death and mourning and why we do what we do. See my synagogue’s web-site:

http://www.tioh.org/images/Worship/ClergyStudy/preparing%20for%20jewish%20burial%20and%20mourning.pdf

 

The Ethics and Politics of Street Tzedakah – Part II

08 Wednesday Jan 2014

Posted by in American Jewish Life, American Politics and Life, Ethics, Social Justice, Uncategorized

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When I lived in Berkeley in the late ‘60s and early ‘70s, walking along Telegraph Avenue could be expensive if you gave to every panhandler who asked for spare change. Not that much has changed in all these years. The number of people asking for hand-outs is at least as great as it was, and perhaps more so. Given the nagging high national unemployment rate of 7% and the large numbers of long-term unemployed who have been unable to find work, the high number of under-employed, the historically low minimum wage, the federal cuts to food stamps for the working poor, and the threat that Congress will not extend unemployment insurance, it is no surprise that people asking for help on the street is so ever-present.

What to do? Democrats in Congress who believe that the federal government should extend a helping hand, especially in difficult times, are slogging it out with a recalcitrant hard-hearted extremist Republican party that cares little for “the least among these” (Matthew 25:40) despite their own Christian faith claims.

What about us? Do we give to the people on the street? Something to everyone, nothing to anyone, sporadically when we feel like it?

I confess that over the years I have been alternately generous and tight-fisted. Sometimes I open my wallet, but more often I walk by without responding, always feeling guilty when I do.

A week ago, my friend Letty Cottin Pogrebin sent me a link to an Op-ed she had just written for Moment Magazine called “The Politics and Ethics of Street Tzedakah” (http://www.momentmag.com/opinion-politics-ethics-street-tzedakah/). After reading it I felt especially ashamed of myself.

I decided, both for the sake of the person asking for help and for myself, that henceforth I would give to everyone asking me for assistance. This week, so far, I have given to five individuals, a dollar per person, not very much in the grand scheme of things (perhaps $250-300 annually). The pay-off, however, is great in human terms. The opportunity to connect heart to heart and soul to soul with a stranger in need is a benefit for both him/her and me.

In each of the five cases this week, the recipient responded gratefully: “Thank you brother!” “God bless you!” “Have a great day!” They felt seen and respected. I felt I did the right thing. It was, in a limited way, a win-win though my dollar gift did little to solve the great socio-economic problems in our country.

None of those who panhandle wish to be doing so. One young man walking through traffic was holding a sign that read, “This is humiliating to me, but I am hungry. Please help!”

To those who say skeptically that these people are scamming us, that they can do better standing at a busy intersection than by actually getting a job, I ask only that you put yourselves in their place and reflect on what it would have taken for someone to do what they are doing.

Regarding giving when we legitimately suspect fraud, Rabbi Chayim of Sanz (1793-1876) said:

“The merit of tzedakah is so great that I am happy to give to 100 beggars even if only one might actually be needy. Some people, however, act as if they are exempt from giving charity to 100 beggars in the event that one might be a fraud.” (Darkai Chaim, publ. 1962, p. 137)

Maimonides reminds us that “One must never turn a poor person away empty-handed, even if you give him a dry fig.” (Mishneh Torah, “Gifts to the Poor” 7:7)

The obligation to give tzedakah includes everyone without exception, even the poor who receive from community funds and individual handouts (Shulchan Aruch, Yoreh Deah 248:1). When the poor gives, they realize that there are others worse off than themselves.

According to surveys, the American Jewish community is the most generous community in the country per capita. I am proud that our people give to all kinds of worthy causes, to alleviate suffering here and around the world, to the people and state of Israel, to local, national and international Jewish causes, to synagogues and food pantries, homeless programs, and refugee organizations, to universities, hospitals, art museums, and symphony orchestras. We write checks because we know that Judaism requires it, because we know the heart of the stranger, the poor and oppressed, and in the interest of tikun olam.

But how often do we give when we meet strangers on the street?

I have decided that I am no longer walking by without giving. My personal pledge is to carry one dollar bills at all times, and to give them whenever asked, not just for the sake of the other, but for my own sake as well.