Category Archives: Health and Well-Being

Talking About Sex with Our Teen-Age Children – Another Difficult Conversation

28 Tuesday Jan 2014

Posted by in American Jewish Life, Ethics, Health and Well-Being, Life Cycle, Women's Rights

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One of the most uncomfortable conversations that parents of teen-agers have with their children, if indeed they have this conversation at all, is about sex. Far too many parents avoid the subject altogether out of embarrassment, ignorance or confusion, and assume that their kids will figure it out the way they did or get information from school psychologists and counselors.

Leaving this sensitive and vital area of a young person’s life to others, however, is a missed opportunity for parents to help their teen-age children navigate through rough waters while at the same time keeping open the lines of communication as their children enter young adulthood.

What does Judaism have to teach us about sex that we can discuss with our children, and what thoughts about sex might parents share with their teen-age children that can be helpful to them in our liberal age?

It is one thing for traditionally religious Jewish parents to discuss these issues with their children and quite another for secular liberal Jewish parents to discuss them. I encourage parents to speak with their rabbis, educators and development specialists if they are at a loss about what they should say and how they should say it.

Many traditional Jewish values are affirmed by all the religious streams including Orthodox, Conservative, Reconstructionist, and Reform Judaism, though the concrete behaviors relative to those values differ between the traditional and liberal approaches to Jewish tradition.

All the religious streams affirm the principle that the human being is created “B’tzelem Elohim – In God’s image” (Genesis 1:26-27) thereby endowing each person with infinite value and worth. As such, our bodies are to be appreciated as far more than millions of atoms and chemicals, flesh, bones, and blood. We are, each of us, a k’li kodesh (holy vessel) infused by the n’shamah (divine soul).

Other classic Jewish values embraced by the whole of Judaism, though understood differently by each religious stream, are tz’niyut (modesty) and anavah (humility). Ostentatious display of and exploitation of our bodies, and public sexual behavior are contrary to both liberal and traditionally religious virtues of modesty and humility.

Classic Judaism affirms essentially three purposes for sex – procreation, the establishment of loving and enduring relationships, and pleasure. Though traditional Judaism does not accept the legitimacy of homosexuality, liberal Judaism does, and it regards committed heterosexual and homosexual unions (for orthodox families heterosexual sex within marriage and for liberal families heterosexual and homosexual sex before and after marriage) as opportunities to fulfill Judaism’s three purposes of sex.

What about teen sexuality?

The most common question teens ask is: ‘How will I know when I am ready for sex?’ Planned Parenthood articulates clear and appropriate criteria in assessing a young person’s sexual readiness. It defines a healthy sexual relationship as having seven basic qualities: respect, honesty, equality, good communication, trust, fairness, and responsibility. Further, Planned Parenthood recommends that teens ask themselves these questions before they become sexually active:

  • Do each of you have the other’s consent?
  • Have you been pressured to give consent?
  • Are you honest with each other?
  • Do you treat each other as equals?
  • Are you attentive to each other’s pleasure?
  • Have you protected each other against physical and emotional harm?
  • Have you guarded against unintended pregnancy and sexually transmitted infection?
  • Are you clear with each other about what you want to do and don’t want to do?
  • Do you respect each other’s limits?
  • Have you accepted full responsibility for your actions?

I do not believe that most young teens (i.e. 13 to 18 years of age) are ready for sexual intercourse even if they are able to answer in the affirmative all these questions. Most are too emotionally immature to cope with the power of their sexual feelings and the meaning and consequences of sexual intimacy.

Parents ought to be the first to advise their children to exercise caution by discussing Jewish and family values and by encouraging their teen-age children to ask the above questions about their sexual readiness. Our children need to feel, as well, self-confident that they are able to refuse sexual activity if they feel in any way unready, uncomfortable, embarrassed, demeaned, exploited, or pressured.

Finally, our teen-age children need to understand that they are still very young and that their time will come when becoming sexually active feels and is right.

Note: This is one in a series of blogs I am writing about difficult conversations that come up in families, among friends and in the workplace that we sometimes avoid or do badly. For a complete list, see my blog entitled “Difficult Conversations – January 17, 2014.”

The Connecting Vav of Mount Sinai and Our Lives – D’var Torah Mishpatim

24 Friday Jan 2014

Posted by in Book Recommendations, Divrei Torah, Health and Well-Being, Inuyim - Prayer reflections and ruminations, Musings about God/Faith/Religious life

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Last week’s Torah portion, Yitro, presented the Biblical equivalent of “shock and awe” like nothing that had happened to the Israelites before or since. Among the narrative’s highlights are descriptions of fire and clouds over the mountain, the descent of the physical manifestation of God upon Sinai, and the giving of Ten commandments.

This week, in Parashat Mishpatim, we shift from divine revelation to foundations in law. Fifty-three mitzvot are enumerated as part of “The Covenant Code” of Exodus, one of three law codes in the Hebrew Bible.

The parashah opens with the letter Vav – “And these are the judgments/laws/rules that you shall place before them…” thus connecting what came before with what will come.

As noted, the infinite God met the people personally at Mount Sinai – “N’vuah sh’mag’shima et otz’mah – What was spoken to Moses became manifest.” Rabbi Meir Leibush ben Yehiel Michel Wisser (the Malbim – 1809-1879) described that moment; “The people saw what could be heard and heard what could be seen, because of the inner awareness granted them at that time.”

That great event at Sinai opened the people’s consciousness to the non-rational realm of soul, spirit, metaphysics, and higher universes. Mystics of later generations experienced it, and in modern times we have many testimonies by those who have had “Near Death Experiences.” Among the most recent and remarkable is told by Dr. Eben Alexander in his book Proof of Heaven – A Neurosurgeon’s Journey into the Afterlife.

Dr. Alexander suddenly and unexpectedly was attacked by e. coli meningitis. For seven days he was into a coma during which time his brain’s pre-frontal cortex, the seat of consciousness, awareness and knowledge, shut down. His doctors and family expected him to die, but he survived and wrote this book telling of his experience.

He had been an atheist before, but this experience turned him into a God-believer. He was a trained scientist who valued reason above all else, but now he told of the existence of universes far greater than the mind. He wrote:

“Seeing and hearing were not separate in this place…. I could hear the visual beauty of the silvery bodies of … scintillating beings above, and I could see the surging, joyful perfection of what they sang. … you could not look at or listen to anything in this world without becoming a part of it … you couldn’t look at anything in that world at all, for the word at itself implies a separation that did not exist there.”

“I saw the abundance of life throughout … countless universes, including some whose intelligence was advanced far beyond that of humanity. I saw … countless higher dimensions, but … the only way to know these dimensions is to enter and experience them directly. They cannot be known, or understood, from lower dimensional space.”

[What I learned is that] “You are loved and cherished…[with] nothing to fear. …Love is the basis of everything. … the kind of love we feel when we look at our spouse and our children, or even our animals. In its purest and most powerful form, this love is not jealous or selfish, but unconditional. This is the reality of realities, the incomprehensibly inglorious truth of truths that lives and breathes at the core of everything that exists or that ever will exist, and no remotely accurate understanding of who and what we are can be achieved by anyone who does not know it, and embody it in all of their actions.”

Dr. Alexander articulated what can only be described as divine revelation, available always, but hindered to most of us by the constraints of our physicality and the strengths of our reason.

This week’s Torah portion turns us towards the material world we inhabit and establishes just and compassionate rules to perfect our public and private behavior and to refine our sense of moral responsibility and accountability.

The world the mystic sees of divine unity and the one in which we live of disjointedness and brokenness are, in truth, of the same continuum. The God of revelation is the God of commandment. Mitzvot grow out of a metaphysical vision of oneness experienced at Sinai and by Dr. Alexander. That is why our tradition evolves into law, not as an end but as the means of repair (tikkun) and return to unity (achdut).

What is above is below. The mitzvot make God the center of our lives from the moment of birth to the moment of death and beyond. The Aleinu says it succinctly, “L’taken ha-olam b’malchut Shaddai – [that our purpose is] To restore the world in the image of the dominion of God.”

Shabbat Shalom.

Telling Children that Parents are Getting a Divorce – Another Difficult Conversation

21 Tuesday Jan 2014

Posted by in American Jewish Life, Ethics, Health and Well-Being, Life Cycle

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Few events are as destabilizing, disappointing, painful, and sad as divorce, and when children are involved the potential for real harm to them is great if parents are not careful about what they say and how they behave.

No matter how contentious the parents’ relationship has become, they should strive to do everything possible to spare their children unnecessary exposure to their anger and disappointment. Since every age of childhood requires special understanding relative to the child’s developmental and emotional needs, child development experts should be consulted to assist parents and teachers in helping children cope with the dramatic changes taking place in their family.

Both parents should agree on how and when they explain their divorce to their children and how they will relate to their children following the announcement. It is best when children are told with both parents present.

Parents should never speak ill of each other to the children, as doing so will be emotionally damaging.

When telling their children, I recommend that they say something to this effect:

“We both love you. We will always be your parents. Sadly, we have decided that it would be better for us not to live together or to continue being married. Our decision has nothing to do with you. There is nothing you did that caused us to end our marriage and there is nothing you can do to bring us back together. We know that our divorce is deeply disappointing and distressing to you, as it is to us, and that you are very sad about it, as are we, but we believe that this change will be better for us, and we hope in time that you will understand. We are both here for you. We both love you.” 

It is a mistake for parents to share details of what went wrong in their marriage with their children. The children may know that there have been problems, but they do not need to know specifics, for that is the parents’ business and theirs alone.

Parents need to remember that their children are watching them. Everything they say and do affects them, and they will learn to cope with their own life challenges by the example their parents set as they cope with the end of their marriage.

Parents need not be stoic in front of their kids, but neither should they show constantly to them how grieved, angry, pained, and disappointed the parents feel.

Parents should strive to keep the children’s lives as normal as possible, should be open to hearing what their kids think and feel, and should not try and convince their kids that they are wrong to feel as they do, that they should “get over it” before they are ready, or ignore the pain they feel. Parents should accept what their kids say on their terms and affirm that their feelings are legitimate.

Parents should hug their children a lot and tell them how much they love them.

It is important that the children of divorcing parents have the support of close family, friends, clergy, therapists, and teachers. Parents should explain to their children how important it is for their teachers to be aware about the divorce so that they can emotionally support them as needed in the classroom.

The time following divorce, like that following a death, needs a grieving period. Shock, denial, anger, sadness, and acceptance are part of what divorcing parents can anticipate from their children. Children might act out in a variety of ways. Some may not react during the first months, and their reactions will vary according to age and respective relationships with each parent. As parents and children move through this transition together, children should understand that they must speak respectfully to their parents and siblings even if they are furious at their parents for this change that has been imposed on their lives.

It is a mistake for parents to over-compensate in what they allow and give to their children. Parents should not attempt to buy their child’s happiness. Among the most important things parents can do is to agree together on their expectations, privileges and punishments. This is often difficult, but if parents, despite their antagonisms, are willing to communicate and coordinate regarding their children, so that neither home is viewed as a sanctuary from the other home, then the stability and constancy children need will be more likely to occur.

I have written a booklet called “When Jews Divorce” that more completely discusses the Jewish view on divorce and other options for divorcing partners. It can be found on my synagogue’s website at http://www.tioh.org/images/Worship/ClergyStudy/when%20jews%20divorce.pdf.

Note: This is one in a series of blogs I am writing about difficult conversations that come up in families, among friends and in the workplace that we sometimes avoid or do badly. For a complete list, see my blog “More Difficult Conversations – January 17, 2014.”

Helping a Grieving Child after the Death of a Loved One – Another Difficult Conversation

19 Sunday Jan 2014

Posted by in American Jewish Life, Health and Well-Being, Life Cycle, Poetry

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Death is the greatest destabilizing and shattering of life experiences, and is particularly challenging to children who, for the most part, have not as yet developed the life-skills necessary to effectively cope emotionally and spiritually with this magnitude of loss. They consequently need all the support  that extended family, friends, clergy, teachers, therapists, classmates, and community can give them.

What do children know about death and when do they know it?

Very young children under the age of six years approach death with a kind of “magical thinking.” For example, the coyote in the Roadrunner cartoons is consistently pulverized in his pursuit of the Roadrunner. Yet, after every crushing experience, he is reconstituted, comes back to life and continues his pursuit of the Roadrunner. Cartoon characters do not stay dead, and very young children assume that people who die will also return to life.

Some children believe, from an egocentric perspective, that they might have caused the death, and it needs to be explained to them that all people die and that they themselves had absolutely nothing to do with Grandma’s death.

Children over the age of 7 are already beginning to understand concretely and abstractly the meaning of death. Many are fearful for their own safety and the safety of other close adults in their lives. They need reassurance from their surviving parents, grandparents and extended family that everyone else is healthy and has many more years to live, that this was a very sad and/or tragic experience and that it is likely not going to be repeated for many years.

They need to understand, as well, that most illness is treatable and people recover. Just because someone gets sick does not mean that they will die.

Children need to understand that death and sleep are different in order to keep at bay their fear that going to sleep means they, or their loved ones, won’t awaken in the morning.

Children need to know the truth about what causes death, that the disease that killed their loved ones is not necessarily contagious and that their surviving family members are safe.

If children ask about God, I urge you not to say: “God must have wanted Grandma!” “Grandpa is now in a better place!” “God gives us only those burdens that God believes we can handle!”  Such thinking pits God against human beings rather than offer us a divine source of solace and comfort in our loss. The Kotzker Rebbe (Rabbi Menachem Mendel Morgensztern of Kotzk, 1787-1859) said that “God is closest to those whose hearts are broken.”

I am moved by the perspective of the French theologian Teilhard de Chardin, who observed that

“We are not human beings having a spiritual experience. We are spiritual beings having a human experience.”

You might share this idea with your children as it may open their hearts, minds and souls to a greater understanding of who they are at their essential spiritual core.

As a practical matter, I do not encourage children under the age of 5 to attend funerals because they do not understand what is taking place and are often distracting to the mourners. Children over the age of 5 or 6, however, should be given the option to attend after understanding what will take place and what will be expected of them.

Children should be involved in helping to make decisions about the funeral and what happens later in the home.

When the child returns to school, his/her friends also need to be prepared to receive them. The child should be greeted warmly by everyone, invited to join a group of kids at lunch, to walk with classmates between classes, to schedule play dates, and to do homework together.

Classmates should acknowledge what has happened by saying such things as, “I am so sorry that your Dad died.” “I’ve missed you.” “I’ve been thinking about you.” “I can’t imagine what it feels like.” “I’m here for you if you ever want to talk.”

For all of us, there is nothing more painful than the loss of the people we love. This unknown poet, offers comfort, perspective and hope:

“Four things are beautiful beyond belief: / The pleasant weakness that comes after pain, / The radiant greenness that comes after rain, / The deepened faith that follows after grief, / And the re-awakening to love again.”

I have written a booklet (“Preparing for Jewish Burial and Mourning”) that describes in some detail concisely Jewish burial and mourning customs. I believe it can be helpful for you and your children in better understanding how Judaism understands death and mourning and why we do what we do. See my synagogue’s web-site:

http://www.tioh.org/images/Worship/ClergyStudy/preparing%20for%20jewish%20burial%20and%20mourning.pdf

 

Difficult Conversations

17 Friday Jan 2014

Posted by in Ethics, Health and Well-Being, Life Cycle

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My post “Helping Families Have the Most Difficult Conversation” (December 31, 2013) touched a sensitive chord with many people. In that blog I encouraged adult children and their parents to talk openly about the most difficult and challenging of life’s transitions at the end of life.  See https://rabbijohnrosove.wordpress.com/2013/12/31/helping-families-have-the-most-difficult-conversation/

After reading the first blog, a good friend suggested that I address other difficult conversations as well. I thought he had a good idea, and so in the coming weeks I will address each of these themes below, and where possible, to cite Jewish text and values.

A disclaimer – I am not a psychologist, though working in synagogues over the past 40 years as a student rabbi and then an ordained rabbi I have addressed these issues in one way or another many times.

Here are the issues (to be addressed in no particular order) that I will discuss going forward:

·       How to best discuss death, divorce and sex with children

·       How to talk about God with children whether we are believers or not

·       How to share bad news

·       How to tell those who behave unethically and mean-spiritedly the truth about what they do and the impact they have on others

·       What to say to those with addiction problems

·       How to deal with the person who is always right, never wrong, and resistant to apologizing when wrong

·       How to be a friend to those with serious illness

·       What to do and say to those who self-reference in every conversation

·       What to say when others make racist, sexist, homophobic, and anti-Semitic comments in a business or social setting, or to you personally

When the time comes, I invite your insights and wisdom. You can post your comments directly on my blog.

I hope these blogs will stimulate us to address those difficult interpersonal issues and issues that come up among friends and in the workplace that we have avoided or done badly.

 

Helping Families Have the Most Difficult Conversation

31 Tuesday Dec 2013

Posted by in American Jewish Life, American Politics and Life, Ethics, Health and Well-Being, Life Cycle, Uncategorized

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Over the weekend I listened to a moving interview on NPR by Linda Wertheimer of former Boston Globe columnist Ellen Goodman concerning a project that Ms. Goodman helped to establish to encourage adult children and their parents to talk openly about the most difficult and challenging of life’s transitions at the end of life. It is called “The Conversation Project.” Its home page says that

“It’s time to transform our culture so we shift from not talking about dying to talking about it. It’s time to share the way we want to live at the end of our lives. And it’s time to communicate about the kind of care we want and don’t want for ourselves.”  [See: http://theconversationproject.org/about/]

Most people, Ellen Goodman says, have not had that conversation and therefore are unprepared for the inevitable, though most elderly parents have clear ideas about what they want at the end of their lives. They don’t share their wishes with their children, however, because they fear burdening and worrying them, and adult children don’t raise the matter with their parents because they fear upsetting them.

Goodman notes that as unsettling an experience as a parent’s death is, surveys indicate that when conversations about it take place there results less depression, less sorrow, less guilt, and less regret felt by everyone. The conversation can be among the richest and most intimate that we ever have together.

When there is no conversation, however, children often feel lonely and uncertain about what to do when their parents die because they do not know what their parents would have wanted. If adult children, in trepidation, fear and/or denial avoid the inevitable and suppress conversation when their parents want to talk, their parents feel cut off and likely never will have the opportunity to make known what they really want to their children.

The Conversation Project has conducted surveys showing a substantial gap between what people want and what they have shared with those closest to them:

  • 90% know it is important to have these conversations, but only 30% are having them;
  • 60% say that it is “extremely important” that families not be burdened by tough decisions, but 56% have not communicated their end-of-life wishes;
  • 70% say they prefer to die at home, but 70% actually die in a hospital, nursing home or long-term care facility;
  • 82% believe it is important to put their wishes in writing, but only 23% have done so.

The Conversation Project’s “Starter-Kit” offers a workbook of questions that needs to be clarified and shared, and acknowledges how difficult it is for many people to know how to begin the conversation. The Project organizers suggest starting by completing this sentence: “What matters to me at the end of life is…..”

They offer other questions for parents to ask themselves and then share with their children for discussion:  

  • What is most important to me?
  • What can I not imagine living without?
  • What are my greatest worries at the end of my life?
  • Who do I trust to talk to about my desires and wishes?
  • What milestones do I want to meet before I die?
  • What do I want to know about my health?
  • What do I want my loved ones to know about my health?
  • How aggressive should the treatment be in the last stages of my life?
  • Who do I want involved in my end-of-life care?
  • What do I want my loved ones, doctors/nurses and clergy to understand about my wishes?
  • Do I wish to be alone or surrounded by my loved ones when I die?
  • What do I want my loved ones to do when I die?
  • What affairs do I need to get in order now?
  • Do I have a will/trust set up and an Advanced Directive (AD), Health Care Proxy (HCP) and Living Will in place?

The Conversation Project is a gentle, thoughtful and loving prod to help open the hearts, minds and souls of parents and children to each other as the end of life approaches.

See Wertheimer’s and Goodman’s NPR conversation here:  http://www.npr.org/2013/12/28/257822206/helping-families-have-the-most-difficult-conversation

To assist Jews in thinking about Judaism’s traditions concerning terminal illness, death, funerals, burial, and mourning, I have written a 45-page life-cycle guide called “Preparing for Jewish Burial and Mourning”  in an easy-to-use format that addresses most of the questions Jews concerning end-of-life matters, as well as a practical step-by-step guide to prepare for it. See: http://www.tioh.org/images/Worship/ClergyStudy/preparing%20for%20jewish%20burial%20and%20mourning.pdf or http://hillsidememorial.org/images/Jewish-Lifecycle-Guide.pdf.

Don’t put off thinking about these matters, putting your wishes in writing, and discussing them forthrightly with the people you love the most. The time is now.

Year End Reflections of a More Personal and Rabbinic Kind

29 Sunday Dec 2013

Posted by in American Jewish Life, Ethics, Health and Well-Being, Jewish History, Jewish Identity, Life Cycle, Musings about God/Faith/Religious life, Social Justice

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On June 10, 1979, I ascended the steps to the bimah at Temple Emanuel in New York City and stood before the open ark with Rabbi Alfred Gottschalk (z’l), President of the Hebrew Union College – Jewish Institute of Religion (the Reform rabbinic seminary). He placed his hands upon my shoulders in the traditional gesture of S’michah (lit. “Laying on of hands”), looked intensely into my eyes and asked, “Are you prepared to serve as a Rav b’Yisrael (a Rabbi in Israel)?”

“Yes!” I said, and he ordained me “Rabbi.”

Truth be told, I wasn’t at all prepared. Yes, I had learned a great deal and thought deeply about many things, but I had no clue about what would be demanded of me in serving a synagogue community, the Jewish people and God.

Among the most difficult and persistent challenges I have had as a congregational rabbi is to constantly shift my mood and thinking at the drop of a hat (often multiple times daily) according to the demands of the occasion (e.g. birth, b’nai mitzvah, conversion, marriage, divorce and other life traumas, illness, death, and mourning).

Add to that challenge my need to grow spiritually, deepen my Jewish understanding and Hebrew knowledge, and help my congregants understand what it means to be American Jews, ohavei am Yisrael (lovers of the Peoplehood of Israel) and ohavei M’dinat Yisrael (lovers of the State of Israel).

Being a Reform rabbi these days means being a kol bo (i.e. all things to all people) and an emotional chameleon.

The American Reform rabbi’s multiple roles as master of the tradition, teacher, ethical and spiritual leader, friend and pastor, trouble-shooter and problem solver, communal and personal healer, progressive visionary and social activist, and representative of Judaism and the Jewish people are daunting, overwhelming and impossible for any one person to fulfill. I think back to the moment as an undergraduate at the University when I decided to enter the rabbinate, and I realize how very naïve I was.

Having said this, I know that many in other professions and life-roles confront equivalent demands and pressures. What we all share is the need to compartmentalize our lives to such an extent that we can jump effectively from one situation to the next without losing ourselves, damaging our integrity or becoming hard-hearted. We have to be able to hold multiple thoughts and conflicting feelings at the same time, to feel both the joys and sorrows of living without being overwhelmed by one or the other, to appreciate ourselves and others as reflections of Divinity despite our numerous flaws, and to set high moral and ethical standards even as we expect failure, without our resorting to unpleasant, cruel and unnecessary rancor and personal attack.

None of us can do this by ourselves. We need good people in this work – loving spouses/partners, trusted friends, kind and capable colleagues, smart and big-hearted lay leaders, and a community that shares common values, ethics and vision.

Despite the challenges I face continually as a congregational rabbi, this sacred work has been and continues to be rewarding beyond measure. I am grateful for that and for all the people alongside whom I work and love.

As 2014 commences, I wish for you and all those dear to you a year of good health, joy amidst sorrow, spiritual and emotional growth, and expanded meaning.

May Israel reach, at last, a secure and lasting peace with the Palestinian people in a two states for two peoples final resolution of their conflict.

And may all humankind live peacefully under their vines and fig trees with none to make them afraid.

Happy New Year!

Getting to 100 – What Makes for a Long and Healthy life?

27 Friday Dec 2013

Posted by in American Politics and Life, Ethics, Health and Well-Being, Life Cycle, Uncategorized

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“Eat boiled corn with codfish and cream, and laugh…”

“Smoke a good cigar, avoid alcohol, drink water, stay positive, and sing.”

“Thumb your nose at sadness, turn the tables on tragedy, laugh instead of getting angry, and don’t feel envious of anyone.”

“Find a good wife and drink two scotches every night.”

“Fight injustice, help people in trouble and keep your mind active.”

“Do something new each day, avoid drama and stay far away from difficult people.”

“Mind your own business, don’t eat junk food, treat others well, and work hard at what you love.”

“Live for God, pray and surround yourself with nice people.”

These are ten responses given by people who have lived more than 100 years to the question – “Why have you lived so long?”

I’ve thought about the fact of longevity, especially this week, because I visited a house of mourning for a 39 year-old man whose life was cut way too short by cancer, and two days later I officiated at the funeral of a venerable 102 year-old woman who had it all.

Common wisdom says that if we eat well, exercise and manage stress; if we maintain our social connections and faith, then we’ll live long and happily!

Of course, this isn’t always the case. Some of us are more prone to disease and accident than others no matter how healthy we try and live.

Researchers say that genetic factors offer only part of the explanation for why we live longer or shorter amounts of time, but there’s much more to it. It’s now clear that there are many behavioral factors contributing to a person’s longevity including health and health behaviors, gender, ethnicity, and socioeconomic status, stress, social and environmental support, mental health, and life satisfaction.

Perhaps the most important study on longevity is “The Longevity Project” written by psychology professors Howard Friedman and Leslie Martin of UC Riverside, who culminate an eight-decade long study begun in 1921 of 1500 precocious children by Stanford University psychologist Lewis Terman. Terman died in 1956 so future researchers picked up where he left off, including Drs. Friedman and Martin.

The 1500 children were followed in meticulous detail throughout their lives. In studying them Friedman and Martin conclude that

“The best childhood predictor of longevity [is] conscientiousness—the qualities of a prudent, persistent, well-organized person—somewhat obsessive and not at all carefree….It’s not the happy-go-lucky who thrive—it’s the prudent and persistent who flourish through the years.”

They offer three possible reasons for this. First,

“…conscientious people do more … to protect their health and engage in fewer [risky] activities …. are less likely to smoke or drive too fast. They buckle their seat belts and follow the doctor’s advice…They are not necessarily risk averse but they tend to be sensible in evaluating how far to push the envelope.” 

Second, some of us are

“…biologically predisposed to be …more conscientious and healthier ….less prone to develop certain diseases, … these people have different levels of the chemical…serotonin in their brains [serotonin helps to determine happiness and well-being]…Individuals with low levels of serotonin tend to be much more impulsive…” and they eat more and sleep less.

And third,

“Having a conscientious personality leads a person into healthier situations and relationships… happier marriages, better friendships and healthier work situations.”

This study showed that kids described as cheerful and optimistic did not live as long as those boring and serious kids who worried constantly about school, studied and worked hard.

The one factor that best predicted long life, even more than happiness itself, is purposeful goal-oriented work, whether for a paycheck or for its own sake. People who are drawn to live their lives, however, with other like-minded, healthy, active and involved people significantly increase the odds of their living longer and more happily.

And so, what does our tradition have to offer about what makes for a long and good life?

The Book of Proverbs instructs us to behave moderately in all things, to seek the middle path, to acquire knowledge and understanding in the ways of the world, and to seek higher wisdom. We’re called upon to build stable communities that care for all its citizens, to act with dignity, integrity, honesty, generosity, and kindness, to respect the wisdom given us by the generations, to heal ourselves and repair the world, and to walk humbly before God.

Judaism teaches that it’s not the number of days or years that we live, it’s the quality of those days that matters.

I pray that each of us will be blessed not only with length of years, but also with the knowledge that we lived ethically and compassionately having contributed to making our world a better, more compassionate and just place. Amen!

When Our Parents Reach Extreme Old Age

22 Sunday Dec 2013

Posted by in American Jewish Life, Health and Well-Being, Life Cycle, Musings about God/Faith/Religious life, Stories, Uncategorized

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My mother was once a beautiful, vital, vivacious, smart, intellectually engaged, and generous woman. She was strong-willed, independent, high-powered, and passionate. Her family meant everything to her and she had many devoted friends.

Today, at 96 she is nearly blind, nearly deaf, and has dementia. She can no longer read, hear music, listen to books on tape/CD, or watch television. She falls frequently and has many aches and pains. Most of her friends have died and all her nine brothers and sisters are gone.

Two years ago it was clear to my brother, me and everyone who knew her that she needed to move from part-time to full-time care, but she could not afford to have someone live in her home 24-7. We decided to move her from independent to assisted living, but she resisted mightily. At last we refused to take “no” for an answer.

Over these two years her situation has worsened. At times my mother knows who I am, but she forgets seconds later and wonders what strange man is sitting with her, and why. I remind her that I am her son, but she is now more often than not bewildered, frustrated and angry because she is aware enough to know how much mental capacity she has lost and of the dramatically shrunken world in which she exists.

Only two things sustain her these days. She has some of her long-term memory remaining, and so she recalls vividly her parents and siblings thus bringing them alive; and her knowledge that my brother and I we are well and happy offers her a measure of comfort.

I share my mother’s situation with you because I know that my brother and I are not alone. Many others also experience the disabilities that afflict their parents, grandparents and loved ones as they reach extreme old age.

In a lucid moment yesterday, my mother asked me, “What could I have possibly done that God hates me so much to make me so miserable!”

I took her hand and said, “Mom – How could God possibly hate you? You have always been loving and generous. You were always the first to respond to those in trouble and who needed help – to family, friends and strangers. You contributed to every good cause. You served the Jewish community devotedly. I cannot believe that God is angry at you. Rather, I am sure that God loves you. I love you. Michael [my brother] loves you. You are just very very old, and this is what happens when people get old like you!”

She listened but didn’t respond. I don’t know if she understood me.

What else could I say? She is miserable, and for good reason.

She spoke about another woman, Anna, who is a resident on her floor and a devout Catholic, and said that Anna has more reason than most to end her life because she is “even more miserable than me!” She added, “There are ways to end your life, you know. But she won’t do it, because she’s religious.”

“What about you, Mom? Do you ever want to end your life?”

“Yes, I want to die,” she said, “but I would never take my life for the same reason that she doesn’t take hers!”

I marveled at how strong, still, is my mother’s faith. From the time she was a child in Winnipeg, Manitoba she was a deeply spiritual and religiously inclined person. On Friday nights she secretly went to synagogue alone without her parents and siblings knowing because they thought religion was nonsense. She told them she was attending school events.

Every Shabbat for months I have been offering a mi shebeirach healing blessing for my mother over an open Torah; but of late, I have begun to wonder whether I should stop based on a famous story from the Talmud.

When the great Rabbi Judah HaNasi was near death his disciples came to pray on his behalf in the courtyard below his window. His maidservant, hearing the desires of those “above” for Rabbi Judah’s soul and the desires of the students “below” decided to drop an earthen vessel to the courtyard stones hoping that the crash would at least momentarily distract Rabbi Judah’s students from their prayers. The noise indeed diverted their attention and they stopped praying. It was then that Rabbi Judah gave up his breath to God. (Talmud Bavli, Ketubot 104a). Rabbi Judah’s maidservant is regarded positively and with respect by tradition.

The Biblical Kohelet wrote that there is

“A season set for everything, / A time for every experience under heaven; / A time for being born and a time for dying…” (3:1-2)

When is my mother’s time for dying? Are my prayers on her behalf in any way sustaining her when she so deeply wishes and is ready to pass on?

Excruciating questions, and I have no answers.

The Emotional Reality that Underpins Everything We Feel and Do as Individuals and as a Society

02 Monday Dec 2013

Posted by in American Politics and Life, Art, Ethics, Health and Well-Being, Social Justice, Women's Rights

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It is true in our interpersonal relationships, as it is true in religion, science, politics, business, education, technology, and the arts – that those who take the greatest risks, who act from love and not fear, who challenge the limits of current thinking and think outside the box, who meld their self-interests with the common good, who act on behalf of justice, compassion and peace, that these are the people who not only evolve and grow as individuals, but effect progress in society and the world as a whole.

I have pondered for years why some people are uncommonly courageous, willing to step outside the mainstream to create something new, to fight for justice and peace, despite the inherent risks.

I ponder as well why other people resist positive change, hold tenaciously to their truths regardless of the evidence that disproves their veracity, are risk adverse, and seek certainty even if it means ignoring innovations that will improve their quality of life and the quality of life of others.

Dr. Brené Brown, a research professor at the University of Houston in the Graduate College of Social Work, has studied such differences in people and come to the conclusion that the determining factor in the way people think and behave is how they cope with vulnerability, for it is vulnerability that underpins our feelings about ourselves, our relationships to others and to the world around us.

At the heart of vulnerability, she says, is the fear of losing connection with others due to a sense of inherent unworthiness. The most frightened among us fear especially the shame that comes with disconnection. These people assume that because they themselves feel unworthy they will be rejected when others discover the truth about them, that they are not smart enough, desirable enough, lovable enough, talented enough, competent enough, promotable enough, or wealthy enough. Whatever the deficiency they feel, they fear being revealed as flawed and vulnerable.

Those who do not fear their vulnerability are what Dr. Brown calls “whole-hearted” because they feel worthy of love and connection, despite their flaws, and so they allow their vulnerabilities to be known and seen and do not worry about rejection. Such people tend to have greater empathy and tenderness, and rather than fear the shame that comes with disconnection, they feel courage in connection. It is that courage born in a sense of self-worthiness that enables them to muster their abilities, insights and talents and take risks, create, innovate, and change.

Those who fear disconnection the most not only become numb to their vulnerabilities, they numb other emotions including empathy, compassion, gratitude, and joy. Disconnected, they feel miserable and seek means to discharge their misery. Is it any wonder, Dr. Brown asks, that this generation of Americans is the most addicted and medicated cohort of any we have seen before in American history?

Those numb to vulnerability tend to crave certainty and black/white answers to life’s most difficult challenges. They regard intolerance as virtue, openness as destabilizing, nuanced thinking as elitist, and creativity as subversion.

To acknowledge vulnerability is to accept our humanity, for none of us is perfect. Recognizing our vulnerability means that we are alive, and being courageous in connection we invest in relationships that may or may not work out. We start something new that may or may not bear fruit. Vulnerability understood this way is hardly negative, it is the birthplace of innovation, creativity and change.

As I have thought about the role that vulnerability plays in the way people, communities and nations respond to creativity, innovation, and change, I believe that Dr. Brown has identified a key emotional reality that we ignore at our own peril.