Category Archives: Life Cycle

Year End Reflections of a More Personal and Rabbinic Kind

29 Sunday Dec 2013

Posted by in American Jewish Life, Ethics, Health and Well-Being, Jewish History, Jewish Identity, Life Cycle, Musings about God/Faith/Religious life, Social Justice

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On June 10, 1979, I ascended the steps to the bimah at Temple Emanuel in New York City and stood before the open ark with Rabbi Alfred Gottschalk (z’l), President of the Hebrew Union College – Jewish Institute of Religion (the Reform rabbinic seminary). He placed his hands upon my shoulders in the traditional gesture of S’michah (lit. “Laying on of hands”), looked intensely into my eyes and asked, “Are you prepared to serve as a Rav b’Yisrael (a Rabbi in Israel)?”

“Yes!” I said, and he ordained me “Rabbi.”

Truth be told, I wasn’t at all prepared. Yes, I had learned a great deal and thought deeply about many things, but I had no clue about what would be demanded of me in serving a synagogue community, the Jewish people and God.

Among the most difficult and persistent challenges I have had as a congregational rabbi is to constantly shift my mood and thinking at the drop of a hat (often multiple times daily) according to the demands of the occasion (e.g. birth, b’nai mitzvah, conversion, marriage, divorce and other life traumas, illness, death, and mourning).

Add to that challenge my need to grow spiritually, deepen my Jewish understanding and Hebrew knowledge, and help my congregants understand what it means to be American Jews, ohavei am Yisrael (lovers of the Peoplehood of Israel) and ohavei M’dinat Yisrael (lovers of the State of Israel).

Being a Reform rabbi these days means being a kol bo (i.e. all things to all people) and an emotional chameleon.

The American Reform rabbi’s multiple roles as master of the tradition, teacher, ethical and spiritual leader, friend and pastor, trouble-shooter and problem solver, communal and personal healer, progressive visionary and social activist, and representative of Judaism and the Jewish people are daunting, overwhelming and impossible for any one person to fulfill. I think back to the moment as an undergraduate at the University when I decided to enter the rabbinate, and I realize how very naïve I was.

Having said this, I know that many in other professions and life-roles confront equivalent demands and pressures. What we all share is the need to compartmentalize our lives to such an extent that we can jump effectively from one situation to the next without losing ourselves, damaging our integrity or becoming hard-hearted. We have to be able to hold multiple thoughts and conflicting feelings at the same time, to feel both the joys and sorrows of living without being overwhelmed by one or the other, to appreciate ourselves and others as reflections of Divinity despite our numerous flaws, and to set high moral and ethical standards even as we expect failure, without our resorting to unpleasant, cruel and unnecessary rancor and personal attack.

None of us can do this by ourselves. We need good people in this work – loving spouses/partners, trusted friends, kind and capable colleagues, smart and big-hearted lay leaders, and a community that shares common values, ethics and vision.

Despite the challenges I face continually as a congregational rabbi, this sacred work has been and continues to be rewarding beyond measure. I am grateful for that and for all the people alongside whom I work and love.

As 2014 commences, I wish for you and all those dear to you a year of good health, joy amidst sorrow, spiritual and emotional growth, and expanded meaning.

May Israel reach, at last, a secure and lasting peace with the Palestinian people in a two states for two peoples final resolution of their conflict.

And may all humankind live peacefully under their vines and fig trees with none to make them afraid.

Happy New Year!

Getting to 100 – What Makes for a Long and Healthy life?

27 Friday Dec 2013

Posted by in American Politics and Life, Ethics, Health and Well-Being, Life Cycle, Uncategorized

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“Eat boiled corn with codfish and cream, and laugh…”

“Smoke a good cigar, avoid alcohol, drink water, stay positive, and sing.”

“Thumb your nose at sadness, turn the tables on tragedy, laugh instead of getting angry, and don’t feel envious of anyone.”

“Find a good wife and drink two scotches every night.”

“Fight injustice, help people in trouble and keep your mind active.”

“Do something new each day, avoid drama and stay far away from difficult people.”

“Mind your own business, don’t eat junk food, treat others well, and work hard at what you love.”

“Live for God, pray and surround yourself with nice people.”

These are ten responses given by people who have lived more than 100 years to the question – “Why have you lived so long?”

I’ve thought about the fact of longevity, especially this week, because I visited a house of mourning for a 39 year-old man whose life was cut way too short by cancer, and two days later I officiated at the funeral of a venerable 102 year-old woman who had it all.

Common wisdom says that if we eat well, exercise and manage stress; if we maintain our social connections and faith, then we’ll live long and happily!

Of course, this isn’t always the case. Some of us are more prone to disease and accident than others no matter how healthy we try and live.

Researchers say that genetic factors offer only part of the explanation for why we live longer or shorter amounts of time, but there’s much more to it. It’s now clear that there are many behavioral factors contributing to a person’s longevity including health and health behaviors, gender, ethnicity, and socioeconomic status, stress, social and environmental support, mental health, and life satisfaction.

Perhaps the most important study on longevity is “The Longevity Project” written by psychology professors Howard Friedman and Leslie Martin of UC Riverside, who culminate an eight-decade long study begun in 1921 of 1500 precocious children by Stanford University psychologist Lewis Terman. Terman died in 1956 so future researchers picked up where he left off, including Drs. Friedman and Martin.

The 1500 children were followed in meticulous detail throughout their lives. In studying them Friedman and Martin conclude that

“The best childhood predictor of longevity [is] conscientiousness—the qualities of a prudent, persistent, well-organized person—somewhat obsessive and not at all carefree….It’s not the happy-go-lucky who thrive—it’s the prudent and persistent who flourish through the years.”

They offer three possible reasons for this. First,

“…conscientious people do more … to protect their health and engage in fewer [risky] activities …. are less likely to smoke or drive too fast. They buckle their seat belts and follow the doctor’s advice…They are not necessarily risk averse but they tend to be sensible in evaluating how far to push the envelope.” 

Second, some of us are

“…biologically predisposed to be …more conscientious and healthier ….less prone to develop certain diseases, … these people have different levels of the chemical…serotonin in their brains [serotonin helps to determine happiness and well-being]…Individuals with low levels of serotonin tend to be much more impulsive…” and they eat more and sleep less.

And third,

“Having a conscientious personality leads a person into healthier situations and relationships… happier marriages, better friendships and healthier work situations.”

This study showed that kids described as cheerful and optimistic did not live as long as those boring and serious kids who worried constantly about school, studied and worked hard.

The one factor that best predicted long life, even more than happiness itself, is purposeful goal-oriented work, whether for a paycheck or for its own sake. People who are drawn to live their lives, however, with other like-minded, healthy, active and involved people significantly increase the odds of their living longer and more happily.

And so, what does our tradition have to offer about what makes for a long and good life?

The Book of Proverbs instructs us to behave moderately in all things, to seek the middle path, to acquire knowledge and understanding in the ways of the world, and to seek higher wisdom. We’re called upon to build stable communities that care for all its citizens, to act with dignity, integrity, honesty, generosity, and kindness, to respect the wisdom given us by the generations, to heal ourselves and repair the world, and to walk humbly before God.

Judaism teaches that it’s not the number of days or years that we live, it’s the quality of those days that matters.

I pray that each of us will be blessed not only with length of years, but also with the knowledge that we lived ethically and compassionately having contributed to making our world a better, more compassionate and just place. Amen!

When Our Parents Reach Extreme Old Age

22 Sunday Dec 2013

Posted by in American Jewish Life, Health and Well-Being, Life Cycle, Musings about God/Faith/Religious life, Stories, Uncategorized

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My mother was once a beautiful, vital, vivacious, smart, intellectually engaged, and generous woman. She was strong-willed, independent, high-powered, and passionate. Her family meant everything to her and she had many devoted friends.

Today, at 96 she is nearly blind, nearly deaf, and has dementia. She can no longer read, hear music, listen to books on tape/CD, or watch television. She falls frequently and has many aches and pains. Most of her friends have died and all her nine brothers and sisters are gone.

Two years ago it was clear to my brother, me and everyone who knew her that she needed to move from part-time to full-time care, but she could not afford to have someone live in her home 24-7. We decided to move her from independent to assisted living, but she resisted mightily. At last we refused to take “no” for an answer.

Over these two years her situation has worsened. At times my mother knows who I am, but she forgets seconds later and wonders what strange man is sitting with her, and why. I remind her that I am her son, but she is now more often than not bewildered, frustrated and angry because she is aware enough to know how much mental capacity she has lost and of the dramatically shrunken world in which she exists.

Only two things sustain her these days. She has some of her long-term memory remaining, and so she recalls vividly her parents and siblings thus bringing them alive; and her knowledge that my brother and I we are well and happy offers her a measure of comfort.

I share my mother’s situation with you because I know that my brother and I are not alone. Many others also experience the disabilities that afflict their parents, grandparents and loved ones as they reach extreme old age.

In a lucid moment yesterday, my mother asked me, “What could I have possibly done that God hates me so much to make me so miserable!”

I took her hand and said, “Mom – How could God possibly hate you? You have always been loving and generous. You were always the first to respond to those in trouble and who needed help – to family, friends and strangers. You contributed to every good cause. You served the Jewish community devotedly. I cannot believe that God is angry at you. Rather, I am sure that God loves you. I love you. Michael [my brother] loves you. You are just very very old, and this is what happens when people get old like you!”

She listened but didn’t respond. I don’t know if she understood me.

What else could I say? She is miserable, and for good reason.

She spoke about another woman, Anna, who is a resident on her floor and a devout Catholic, and said that Anna has more reason than most to end her life because she is “even more miserable than me!” She added, “There are ways to end your life, you know. But she won’t do it, because she’s religious.”

“What about you, Mom? Do you ever want to end your life?”

“Yes, I want to die,” she said, “but I would never take my life for the same reason that she doesn’t take hers!”

I marveled at how strong, still, is my mother’s faith. From the time she was a child in Winnipeg, Manitoba she was a deeply spiritual and religiously inclined person. On Friday nights she secretly went to synagogue alone without her parents and siblings knowing because they thought religion was nonsense. She told them she was attending school events.

Every Shabbat for months I have been offering a mi shebeirach healing blessing for my mother over an open Torah; but of late, I have begun to wonder whether I should stop based on a famous story from the Talmud.

When the great Rabbi Judah HaNasi was near death his disciples came to pray on his behalf in the courtyard below his window. His maidservant, hearing the desires of those “above” for Rabbi Judah’s soul and the desires of the students “below” decided to drop an earthen vessel to the courtyard stones hoping that the crash would at least momentarily distract Rabbi Judah’s students from their prayers. The noise indeed diverted their attention and they stopped praying. It was then that Rabbi Judah gave up his breath to God. (Talmud Bavli, Ketubot 104a). Rabbi Judah’s maidservant is regarded positively and with respect by tradition.

The Biblical Kohelet wrote that there is

“A season set for everything, / A time for every experience under heaven; / A time for being born and a time for dying…” (3:1-2)

When is my mother’s time for dying? Are my prayers on her behalf in any way sustaining her when she so deeply wishes and is ready to pass on?

Excruciating questions, and I have no answers.

On Life’s Beauty, Meaning and Joy – In Memorial to Michael Weiner

24 Sunday Nov 2013

Posted by in American Jewish Life, Ethics, Health and Well-Being, Life Cycle, Stories, Uncategorized

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I did not know Michael Weiner personally, but I wish I had. Since his death on Thursday of brain cancer at the age of 51, the eulogies have poured in from around the country, and by all accounts Weiner was the embodiment of what it means to be mensch.

A happily married man and a loving father of three daughters, Michael Weiner served as the Executive Director of the Major League Baseball Players’ Association (MLBPA) since 2009, and had been involved in the business of baseball for many years. He was most widely known, respected, admired, and loved as a professional of uncommon ability, skill, integrity, decency, compassion, empathy, and humility.

Michael Weiner loved baseball. He loved the players and recognized that without them there would be no game. The business of the game, though important, in his mind and heart was secondary to the integrity of the game and the well-being of its players. He was so effective at building consensus in labor issues and so deft at simplifying and making understandable to lay people (he was a Harvard Law grad) complex legal and contractual language, that of the four major sports in the United States only Major League Baseball has been successful in negotiating a collective bargaining agreement ensuring 21 consecutive years of labor peace, largely because of Michael Weiner.

As if all this weren’t enough, Weiner also taught Sunday School at the Jewish Center of Northwest Jersey, and, as one might assume, the children adored him.

As Weiner’s cancer progressed (he was first diagnosed in August, 2012) he reflected about his life. It is this statement that led me to write this blog of memorial to a man I did not know personally. Its message is what all of us ought to emulate:

“As corny as this sounds I get up in the morning and I feel I’m going to live each day as it comes. I don’t take any day for granted. I don’t take the next morning for granted. What I look for each day is beauty, meaning and joy, and if I can find beauty, meaning and joy, that’s a good day.”

Zichrono livracha – May Michael Weiner’s memory be a blessing, and may his family and loved ones find comfort among all mourners in Zion and Jerusalem. Amen!

Letting Go – The Great Truth of Human Existence

20 Tuesday Aug 2013

Posted by in Health and Well-Being, Holidays, Inuyim - Prayer reflections and ruminations, Life Cycle, Musings about God/Faith/Religious life, Quote of the Day, Stories, Uncategorized

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I had a meeting last week with a young mother of a beautiful four month-old daughter to talk about the little girl’s Hebrew name and her naming ceremony. As we spoke, the Mom confided that whenever her baby cries she feels the overwhelming urge to go to her regardless of the hour and circumstances – “I just have to be there to hold her,” she said.

This little girl is still very small, a mere 14 pounds, and her mother’s instinct is not only natural but appropriate. I said, “Yes – your response is exactly right at this stage of your daughter’s life, and that instinct will likely be with you for decades to come. However, being a parent means that every day you will have to let go of her just a little bit for both your daughter’s sake and yours!”

Letting go of the people and things we treasure the most, be it our children, our youth and vitality, our professional life upon retirement, our spouse after separation and divorce or when illness and death come, our homes when we can no longer afford them nor manage to live in them, and in the end, our own health, is all part of the progression of our lives from birth to death.

Rabbi Milton Steinberg wrote, “This then is the great truth of human existence. One must not hold life too precious. One must always be prepared to let it go.” (A Believing Jew, publ. 1951)

The High Holidays will be upon us shortly, and we will be reminded by rite, ritual, prayer, sacred text, and music of the quick passage of time and  that we are merely sojourners in this life, not permanent residents. How we accept this truth and all that comes as a consequence is a central theme of the High Holidays season.

One of my favorite quotations is that of the theologian and philosopher Tailhard de Chardin, who said, “We are not human beings having a spiritual experience. We are spiritual beings having a human experience.”

Tailhard De Chardin offers us a true and critically important perspective about our lives that can enhance the meaning and precious character of everything we do, learn and experience even as we understand that releasing that which we are not entitled to hold indefinitely is not only natural but a necessary part of living.

Arranging For My Mother’s Funeral and Burial

29 Monday Jul 2013

Posted by in American Jewish Life, Life Cycle, Uncategorized

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My mother, now 96, is in rapidly failing health. Always a model of vitality, it has been difficult for me to imagine the world without her. Yet, as she becomes increasingly frailer, my brother and I decided that it was time for us to tie up loose ends at the cemetery so that when her time came to die, all we would need to do is make a call and set a funeral date.

Twenty-five years ago, our mother told us that she had made arrangements to be buried in a double grave with our father, who had died in 1959. She said we would have no worries and that she had taken care of everything. We believed her.

However, last week, just to be certain everything was taken care of, I made an appointment with a pre-need counselor at the cemetery. It was then that I learned that other than my mother having requested in writing to be interred with my father, she had done nothing else nor paid any costs relative to her funeral and burial.

As my mother’s sight, hearing and strength diminished precipitously over the last two years, along with increasing dementia and changes in her demeanor and behavior, I began mourning the mother I once knew. I felt, nevertheless, emotionally ready to deal with her funeral and burial arrangements.

My pre-need counselor was kind and thorough and covered all the details and costs. About thirty minutes into an hour-long meeting, I stopped her and asked, “As someone who has officiated at hundreds of funerals, guided people through the mourning process, and understands the cemetery ‘business’ as well as I do, this must be for you relatively easy working with me. But what is it like for you to help people who, suddenly, in the shock and grief of a death have to do everything from scratch to prepare for the funeral and burial of their loved ones because nothing had been arranged in advance?”

“John,” she said, “It is very hard! These meetings take a long time and there is much pain and confusion. Sometimes, there is rage directed at me, and people fall apart emotionally in my office. I try and help them in every way. These meetings are often difficult and painful to get through, for them and for me.”

What is the take-away? For the sake of our spouses, children, grandchildren, siblings, and friends, I urge everyone to make arrangements for and pay for our own funerals, burial and internment now, long before it is necessary for others to do it on our behalf.

It is unfair, I believe, to leave the funeral and burial details to those we love. It is also unfair to leave them with the bill in the midst of their grief.

I understand why so many of us fail to make these arrangements. We’re afraid, and/or confronting our mortality is deeply distressing to us, especially if we have significant health problems. Some of us do not want to spend the money and we decide that our children will pay for everything after the fact out of our estates.

There is much to consider as we think about options. To assist you, please see a 45-page guide called “Preparing for Jewish Burial and Mourning” that I wrote two years ago that covers everything you will need to understand and consider in Jewish tradition and cemetery practice  (http://hillsidememorial.org/jewish-lifecycle-guide/ or http://www.tioh.org/images/Worship/ClergyStudy/preparing%20for%20jewish%20burial%20and%20mourning.pdf).

This is not an easy task, but it is a necessary one.

May you and your dear ones enjoy long and healthy lives, and may you sleep well at night knowing that what you do now will relieve the people you love the most from having to do after you die.

Kol tuv – Best wishes!

Losing Weight and Getting Fit

07 Sunday Jul 2013

Posted by in American Politics and Life, Health and Well-Being, Life Cycle, Uncategorized

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Studies indicate that 70% of American adults and 30% of American kids are overweight or obese. When considering that staggering figure, how widespread today are common eating disorders, and the huge cost of medical care for those who suffer weight-related illnesses, it seems that most of us need to pay greater attention to our health.

When I was young I ate everything I wanted and could lose weight at the drop of a hat. But as I got older, the pounds accumulated and it became increasingly difficult to lose. Experts say that at age 30 if we change nothing in our eating habits or exercise routines, each year we will gain a minimum of one pound. By the age of 60, we will be 30 pounds heavier at least.

I raise this now because after I was diagnosed with prostate cancer four years ago, my wife and I decided that it was time for us to take control of our health, and make some changes in what we ate and how much we exercised (for those with eating disorders and food addiction, professional help is warranted).

I have developed a list of 10 things we continually strive to do to be healthy, most of which are recommended by experts. I am not always consistent, and maintaining my ideal weight is a daily struggle, but I work at this every day. Here is what we do. If any of this helps you, dayeinu:

  1. Move more – We can build our strength and stamina to run, walk, swim or ride a bike one hour every day, four or five times a week. Some recommend walking a minimum of 10,000 steps daily. We can add steps by changing other habits. For example, I now never take an elevator unless I am climbing more than five floors, and even then I might take the stairs. I park my car far away from my destination to force me to walk the rest of the way. I rarely use valet unless it is raining or bloody hot.
  2. Eat less – I do not fill my plate as I used to do, and I stop myself (most of the time) going back for second helpings. If I snack between meals I choose something healthy – almonds, vegetables, fruit, 100% whole wheat bread. I avoid eating anything white (milk products, sugar, or salt). Eating late at night anything other than fruit is a bad idea!
  3. Avoid most saturated fats – They raise cholesterol levels and increase the risk for heart disease. This includes fatty meats and poultry, steak, hamburger, and beef sausage. Dieticians give the green light on lean cuts of meat (I eat almost no red meat anymore, and I don’t miss it), and skinless everything, as well as fish that is rich in omega-3 fats. If I consume milk products, it has to be non-fat milk (the only time I cheat is when I use whole milk in coffee), and I avoid most cheese unless it is very low fat. Dark chocolate, for me is a necessity, but I limit myself to a square inch or two daily. Scientists say that dark chocolate is actually a good thing, as is 3 or 4 cups of caffeinated coffee a day. Thank God!
  4. Avoid trans fats – This is found in spreads of all kinds, packaged foods and mixes, frozen foods, fast food, breaded anything, baked goods, chips, crackers, breakfast cereals (except oatmeal and some cereals without sugar and additives), candy, toppings, and most dips (except low fat yogurt-based or guacamole).
  5. Eat only 100% whole grain – In bread, cereal, cookies, and cakes.
  6. Add no extra sugar or salt – Avoid all sugar syrups, all sugared drinks, and experts say diet sodas as well.
  7. Eat lots of fruit, vegetables and fish.
  8. Drink alcohol in moderation – I drink red wine because it is great for the heart and soul, an ounce of scotch (on occasion) and only light beer.
  9. Drink water often – I do not use plastic containers as they are cancer causing.
  10. Weigh yourself every day – I adjust my daily intake of food and increase my exercise routine if I find, to my horror, that I’ve gained weight (even a pound) from the day before. If I have lost weight I resist hard rewarding myself with more chocolate.

Losing weight requires not a small measure of self-discipline, will-power, patience, persistence, optimism, and self-forgiveness.

If weight gain is your problem (and clearly, say the surveys, it is for most of us) it is best to think long-term (months!!!) and delight in small successes. When you reach your goal, however long it takes, reward yourself by going out and buying new clothes.

Good luck!

Blessings for Pets and All Animals – Part II

05 Wednesday Jun 2013

Posted by in Beauty in Nature, Life Cycle, Musings about God/Faith/Religious life, Poetry, Uncategorized

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This past week I posted a blog on whether Jews should say the Mourner’s Kaddish for a beloved pet. I have received many responses to that blog both in agreement with me that distinctions must be made between human beings and pets and that the Mourner’s Kaddish is meant for mourners to say for parents, spouses, siblings, and children only, and in disagreement that since the Mourner’s Kaddish affirms God in life that it is appropriate to say the Kaddish for a pet. Though I do not agree with this position, I am sympathetic, which leads me to post now these two blessings.

The first is my blessing when a beloved pet dies. The second was written by the famed scientist and humanitarian Albert Schweitzer.

A Blessing on the Death of a Beloved Pet

Eternal God of Creation:
I am grateful to have enjoyed the gift of _______ (pet name)
Now that he/she has passed from this life.

Give me the strength and courage to cope with my heart-ache and loss.
Despite my grief, I am thankful that my beloved companion no longer suffers.
________ will live in my heart and memory as a dear companion of my soul.
As he/she enriched my life with love and devotion,
May I show similar care for the lives of all your creatures.

May he/she be at peace. Amen.

A Blessing to End the Suffering of Animals – by Albert Schweitzer

Hear our humble prayer, O God,
for our friends, the animals,
especially for those who are suffering;
for animals that are overworked,
underfed, and cruelly treated;
for all the wistful creatures in captivity,
that beat their wings against bars;
for any that are hunted or lost or deserted,
or frightened or hungry.

We entreat for them all
Yours and our compassion,
and for those who deal with them,
we ask a heart of mercy
and gentle hands and kindly words.

Make us, ourselves,
to be true friends to animals
and so to share
the blessings of the Merciful.

A Poem about “Love”

02 Sunday Jun 2013

Posted by in Life Cycle, Poetry, Quote of the Day

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I have read this wondrous poem very infrequently at weddings over the years. I offer it only to couples who I sense have attained a special depth of camaraderie uncommon even for those who feel great love for each other.

The poem reflects a depth of generosity, humility, gratitude, kindness, tenderheartedness, acceptance, and understanding of oneself in relationship to the “Other” that could well be the standard towards which every individual aspires with his/her beloved. Though some young couples attain such a relationship by the time they come to the chupah, it often takes many years to realize and understand the poet’s deeper sentiments.

This is among my most favorite wedding poems. I have cited its origins as written in Wikipedia below.

I love you
Not only for what you are,
But for what I am when I am with you.

I love you,
Not only for what you have made of yourself,
But for what you are making of me.

I love you
For the part of me that you bring out;
I love you
For putting your hand into my heaped-up heart
And passing over all the foolish, weak things
That you can’t help dimly seeing there,
And for drawing out into the light
All the beautiful belongings
That no one else had looked quite far enough to find.

I love you because you
Are helping me to make of the lumber of my life
Not a tavern but a Temple,
Out of the works of my every day
Not a reproach but a song.

I love you
Because you have done more than any creed
Could have done
To make me good,
And more than any fate could have done
To make me happy.

You have done it
Without a touch,
Without a word,
Without a sign.

You have done it
By being yourself.
Perhaps that is what
Being a friend means,
After all.

From Wikipedia on the origins of this poem and the “poet” named “Roy Croft.”

“This poem, which is commonly used in wedding speeches and readings and is quoted frequently (attributed to Roy Croft), is nearly identical in meaning to a German-language poem titled Ich liebe Dich (“I Love You”) and composed by Austrian poet Erich Fried; the main difference is that Croft’s version stops at the third-from-last line of Fried’s poem, with the effect that Fried’s poem contains two final lines for which Croft’s version has no equivalent. Croft’s version appears without further attribution in The Family Book of Best Loved Poems, edited by David L. George and published in 1952 by Doubleday & Company, Inc., then of Garden City, New York.

The poem “Love” was included in a 1936 anthology entitled “Best Loved Poems of American People” edited by a Hazel Felleman, and published by Doubleday. This would seem to imply that regardless of the origins of Mr. Croft, that Erich Fried in fact appropriated the poem himself and translated it into German, as he would have been only 15 in 1936. Seeing as the book was a compilation of best loved American poems, it is hard to see how he could be the author.”

“Sacred Housekeeping – a spiritual memoir” by Harriet Rossetto – Book Recommendation

03 Wednesday Apr 2013

Posted by in American Jewish Life, Book Recommendations, Ethics, Health and Well-Being, Life Cycle, Musings about God/Faith/Religious life, Stories, Uncategorized

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Harriet Rossetto was a bright Jewish kid with success written all over her. Like other young women growing up in the early 1960s, she went to college, got married, had a child, and hoped to live happily ever after. It didn’t turn out quite that way, but today she is more fulfilled than she ever expected to be.

Harriet is the CEO and Founder of Los Angeles’ renowned non-profit drug and alcohol treatment organization called Beit T’shuvah (House of Return), the only institution of its kind for Jews in the US. She earned an MSW and then, as she describes her life at 45, she became unemployed and homeless, hitting rock bottom. From that place one day she picked up an LA Times classified ad for a job as a Social Worker at the county jail. The ad specified the need for “a person of Jewish background and culture to help incarcerated Jewish offenders. MSW required.”

That turned out to be a fateful day. The job, working with Jewish addicts and cons, led Harriet to found Beit T’shuvah and meet her husband and partner, himself an addict and con, who would eventually be ordained Rabbi Mark Borovitz.

Harriet is brutally honest and self-revealing about herself, her struggles, her life and addictions. She also speaks movingly of the central role her return to Judaism played in her journey, offering the essence of what she discovered this way:

“Judaism began to rest on a few core beliefs that helped me redefine my perception of myself, of others and of the purpose of life.

I matter. You matter. I have a holy soul. I am imperfect by design. My value is a birthright. Change is possible and mandatory. Right action is the bridge to wholeness of self.”

Harriet recognizes that her formerly negative view of life, that “nothing matters and who cared anyway, had been shifting: Everything [now] mattered, I realized. Everything. As Rabbi Abraham Joshua Heschel wrote: something sacred is at stake in every event.”

Hers and Mark’s quest turned out to be the classical Jewish mystical quest, to confront both the darkness and light in the individual soul, and to struggle towards the light.

It is an irony that this child of middle class Jewish parents found her most natural home among addicts. She identified with them, struggled along with them, hit bottom like them, and became their teacher and guide:

“My qualification to be your life teacher is I have been where you are. I’ve seen it all. I know your torment, your war against yourself. I have battle-hardened experience and I still struggle every day. And I have learned how to live an integrated life. You will too. You are sure that whatever you’re addicted to is the only thing that will relieve the misery of your emptiness, the hole that aches. Without (fill in your own blanks) drugs, alcohol, gambling, sex, food, money, power and prestige… there is no reason to get up in the morning….you will want to use again, and you might. But if you don’t, one day you will start to feel better. Alive again, in fact.”

Harriet teaches that, similar to other 12 step programs, “faith in a Power greater than oneself was necessary in order to stay sober. The addict has to learn how to live from within and stop seeking external solutions to internal discomfort.”

Unlike other 12 step programs, hers is based in Torah and Judaism:

“Torah is the Big book of Jewish recovery from human broken-ness. We believe if you can see yourself in every Parsha it is the Path to Shalem (wholeness) and Shalom (Peace of Mind.)”

Those accepted into Beit T’shuvah for treatment are required to live according to strict rules of the house. Prayer, meditation and learning Torah are essential components of daily life, alongside productive work, therapy and mutual support.

Beit T’shuvah is funded solely by voluntary contributions. No one is turned away because of inability to pay. Grateful parents and grandparents, foundations and friends support it because it works.

Harriet’s spiritual memoir is a moving tale of ongoing recovery; hers, Rabbi Mark’s, and all those who pass through. Her story, though unique and extraordinary, in truth is everyone’s story because each of us can locate ourselves somewhere along that continuum of addiction to non-addiction. We’re all broken somehow. All of us yearn for healing and liberation from our personal Mitzrayim (“Egypt” – lit. “the narrow constricted places” that enslave us and bow our heads).

Harriet’s book is one more thing – It is a moving testimony to the capacity of each one of us to lift ourselves up, turn our lives around, one step at a time, one day at a time, one moment at a time.

Yasher kochachechem, Harriet and Mark!