Why I Don’t Want to Die

My ailing mother and I had a conversation yesterday that broke through the fog of her dementia enough for her to express her greatest fear as she confronts the end of her life.

My mother is 97 and suffers from serious macular degeneration, deafness and dementia. She still knows my brother and me, though at times I have to persuade her that I am, indeed, her son. She is mostly able to communicate what she feels and thinks, though her vocabulary has become more and more limited and her confusion has increased. She has little short-term or long-term memory left.

When I arrived at her assisted living home yesterday, the aids told me that she had had a very bad morning, had broken a piece of equipment and wanted no one to touch her. They had medicated her to calm her. She sat alone appearing still agitated.

She can’t do much of anything by herself anymore. She needs assistance getting out of bed, using the bathroom, getting dressed, and moving anywhere. For the first 95 years of her life she had been independent and self-sufficient, so her frustration at her incapacities is now severe.

For some time now she has told me that she wants to die, that since all her brothers and sisters are dead, and most of her friends, this is no way to live.

Seeing me yesterday after several bad hours changed her mood. I let her vent and kept touching her and asking her direct questions – “Are you in pain?” “Does anything hurt?” “Do you need to use the bathroom?” “Do you know who I am?” “Do you need anything from me?”

Then she said, despite her past readiness for death, “I don’t want to die!”

“Really, Mom? That’s a change,” I said. “Why do you not want to die now?”

“I don’t want to leave you and everyone,” she answered.

I knew that was true, but I had the sense she was really saying something else, something deeper, trying to tell of a fear about dying that she had not expressed to me before.

I asked on a hunch; “Mom – are you afraid that I will forget you?”

She looked at me (I always sit very close to her with about a foot between my face and hers so she can see and hear me), and then with a clarity she had not had since I had arrived – “Yes!”

I took the opportunity to tell her a fundamental truth about my life, despite her having been a very difficult personality for both my brother and me throughout our lives, the following:

“Mom, let me tell you something. Even now, where ever I go, you are with me, in my heart. After you die and are gone, you will still be here with me in my heart. You have taught me so much about loyalty to family and generosity to everyone, about love and kindness, about giving back to others and trying to make a difference in the world, about making a contribution. That is what you have always tried to do and I believe you did it all really well. Just as Daddy has been with me every day since he died [56 years ago], as I know he has been with you and has been with Michael [my brother], you will be with me always too. Don’t worry about that. I cannot nor do I wish to ever forget you. I love you and am grateful that you are and have been my mother!”

She smiled at me for the first time that day – “I love you so much, John.”

I stayed a while longer. She was convinced that she was holding something in her gnarled hands and she wanted to put it onto a tray sitting on her dresser. I assisted her for a while and then just took her hands in mine and rubbed them and asked her to flex her fingers for exercise. The “sandy” sensation that she had tried to release went away.

It was lunch time, and I left her with her aids. As I walked to my car I was reminded of the concluding verse of one of my favorite e e cummings poems:

…here is the deepest secret nobody knows
here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life
which grows higher than soul can hope or mind can hide
and this is the wonder that keeps the stars apart

i carry your heart (i carry it in my heart)

Negotiating with the “Devil” – 4 Book Recommendations

I recommend four books that are helpful in probing, analyzing and addressing the stresses and tensions that develop in all kinds of relationships, within marriages and families, between siblings and friends, in the work place and community, between ethnic, racial, and religious groups, amongst nations and peoples, and in relationship to terrorist organizations.

At a time when crises increasingly define what transpires between nations, when polarization escalates in American partisan politics, when many media sources report biased and non fact-based reports in the service of partisan agendas, when so many interpersonal relationships remain dysfunctional and destructive, we individuals and our society need thoughtful guidance about how to effectively restore sanity, stability and integrity to our relationships and effectively reduce stress, tension, harm, and suffering to all concerned.

Difficult Conversations – How to Discuss What Matters Most, by Douglas Stone, Bruce Patton and Sheila Heen, Penguin, 2010 – A NY Times business bestseller that reflects fifteen years of research. The authors offer a step-by-step approach to reduce stress when tough conversations are inevitable, and to reach successfully new understanding and compromise in all kinds of relationships. This is a practical guide that analyzes the impact of what happens when conflict occurs and how to move through it productively and in one piece.

The Righteous Mind – Why Good People Are Divided by Politics and Religion, by Jonathan Haidt, Vintage, 2012 – A superb work that analyzes the moral presumptions (based on people’s genetic and psychological makeup, religious, national and cultural backgrounds) upon which we respond to events and form our relationships. The author explores how and why we do not understand others, judge and demonize them. Dr. Haidt is a Professor of Ethical Leadership at NYU’s Stern School of Business and earned his doctorate in social psychology from the University of Pennsylvania. He employs the metaphor of a rider (representing reason and logic) and an elephant (representing intuition and non-rational responses) and why the choice of the elephant is almost always determinative while the rider acts as a kind of adviser and “press agent” for the elephant and rationalizes whatever the elephant chooses to do. Haidt is persuasive in showing that in order to understand who we and others really are (friends and foes), we need to be able recognize what the elephant intuitively wants and how the rider rationalizes the elephant’s choices.

From Enemy to Friend – Jewish Wisdom and the Pursuit of Peace, by Rabbi Amy Eilberg, Orbis, 2014 – Rabbi Eilberg is the first woman ordained as a Conservative rabbi by the Jewish Theological Seminary of America. She spent many years working in pastoral care, hospice and spiritual direction, and is a seasoned peace activist. (A personal note – Amy is a friend and a significant voice in the J Street Rabbinic Cabinet that I co-chair nationally. I would recommend highly this book even if I did not know her personally). Amy brings to her work high emotional intelligence and psychological sophistication. She non self righteously advocates for kindness, compassion, generosity, curiosity, and the softening and opening of the heart in all tough and contentious interactions with individuals and groups even as she advocates for courage, clarity, determination, and boldness in speaking and acting upon one’s own truth. Amy’s voice is deeply Jewish, and she utilizes a wide array of classic Jewish texts with sensitivity and skill as she lays out the necessary ground-work of peace-making, to which she has devoted her life. Taken together, these four books represent a mini-course on conflict resolution.This work ought to be translated into both Hebrew and Arabic so that it can be available for Israelis and Palestinians seeking ways to make peace with each other with mutual respect and a spirit of necessary compromise.

Bargaining with the Devil – When to Negotiate, When to Fight, by Robert Mnookin, Simon and Schuster, 2010 – Dr. Mnookin is chair of the program on negotiation at the Harvard Law School and has practiced and analyzed the art and science of negotiation in a wide variety of settings. He considers in depth seven polarized situations and the choices that were made. The seven include the Hungarian Jew Rudolf Kasztner’s choice to bargain for Jewish lives with the high Nazi official Adolph Eichmann, Winston Churchill’s decision not to negotiate with Adolph Hitler and instead to go to war, Nelson Mandela’s negotiations from prison with the Apartheid regime, a 1980s software war that challenged the budding industry’s understanding of intellectual property rights as it played out between an American and Japanese firm, contract negotiations between the San Francisco Symphony’s management and the musician’s union, a contentious divorce proceeding, and a sibling struggle over a father’s estate. Dr. Mnookin takes us through all the ethical, moral and practical choices involved in each case including the interpersonal dynamics involved and a cost-benefit analysis, and he explains how each incident resolved.

None of these four works argues that every hostile, tense and polarized conflict is able to be resolved in compromise. Yet, there are times when even bargaining with the “devil” (as Robert Mnookin described Rudolf Kasztner’s choice) is better than not doing so. Mnookin also demonstrates why refusing to bargain with the devil, as Winston Churchill did relative to Hitler, was the right choice.

Taken together, these four books represent a mini-course on conflict resolution.

Shimon Peres’ Visit to Injured Israeli Soldiers

I was deeply moved by the 91 year-old former Israeli President Shimon Peres’ reflections, the first he made publicly after ending his term as president, as reported in YNET (July 30, 2014) after he visited wounded soldiers in the Soroka Medical Center in Be’er Sheva:

“This is one of the most emotional visits I’ve ever had. I think this is a true story of bravery. This was the war of an army against terrorists, but also a war of each soldier against men who have no respect for human lives, who are willing to murder. A war of brave men against men with no restraints, bastard men.

You did a job no army has done before,” Peres told one of the wounded soldiers. “You were operating in an area where every step could’ve landed on a landmine, and every building could’ve been booby-trapped. Normally, we’d read about people like you only in legends, in which people go in and out of hell. The difference between legend and reality is huge, and you are the reality that created a legend. You fought greatly; I don’t think there were ever troops who faced such a test. There are no winners in this war, only rescuers and you saved the country.”

Pray for the peace of Jerusalem, for the safety of our people, for the well-being, courage and resilience of Israel’s soldiers and leaders.

May Lt. Hadar Goldin be returned to his family in life and peace.

Shabbat shalom!

Kol Hakavod to Rabbi Menachem Creditor – “I’m Done Apologizing for Israel”

This is a piece from The Huffington Post (link below) I wish I had written myself, for it articulates almost everything I have been feeling this week, except one thing – but that one thing does not take away from Rabbi Creditor’s larger message, though that one thing is huge in my mind and I know must be so in his mind as well and in the minds of Israelis and Jews everywhere.

At times of crisis, Jews come together and find common cause. It is part of our necessary tribal instinct, and we are like every other people and nation in the world in our concern for our own people first and foremost.

The Pesach seder reminds us every year that the evil child is the one that separates him/herself from the community and does not see his/her destiny as part of the destiny of the Jewish people. Tradition reminds us – “Al tifros min ha-tzibur – You shall not separate yourself from your community,” especially during times of crisis such as these.

The one thing I would have added to Rabbi Creditor’s superbly written, true, honest, candid, justifiably enraged and passionate defense of the Jewish state and the Jewish people is this – mistakes have been made by the IDF. The bombing of those four Palestinian children on the beach had to have been a terrible and tragic mistake. I do not know what those firing the missiles thought they saw. I refuse to believe they realized those four children were kids. They had to have seen something else, and perhaps there was something else there – but it escapes me what it possibly could have been.

I give every benefit of the doubt to our Israeli soldiers who are risking their lives in defense of the Jewish people and state and whose bravery and sacrifice should inspire the gratitude of Jews everywhere. I am not criticizing them. I am saying only that in war, mistakes are always made. That fact is yet another tragedy of war. That mistakes will be made is never a reason not to go to war when your people are being bombed indiscriminately. It is just a tragedy pure and simple, and we Jews must always acknowledge it out loud and publicly not only for the sake of truth, but for our own sake as moral human beings.

Prime Minister Netanyahu has said as much, and for that I am grateful to him – that far too many innocent people are getting killed and injured. Rabbi Creditor says he is finished apologizing. In the larger sense I agree with him, and though I do not know him personally, I believe he must be as tortured by the loss of innocent life as I am, as Israelis are, as Jews are everywhere.

So first, I thank Rabbi Creditor for speaking so eloquently from the heart reflecting what is in the hearts of so many of us.

Hamas must be defeated and de-fanged. It is an evil lot that cares not a whit for what its says it cares about, the lives of Palestinians.

I want to make one political comment for the sake of a future settlement of this crisis in an eventual two-states for two peoples agreement. I hope and pray that President Machmud Abbas gets the credit for arranging a ceasefire so as to further delegitimize Hamas amongst Palestinians as a whole.

Hamas had a mere 10-15 percent approval rating in Gaza and the West Bank before this crisis began. How they could have any approval now, except for their die-hard fanatic and inhumane terrorist fighters, is beyond me. They must be silenced, and savvy politics requires that the ceasefire that will come be worked out by the Palestinian Authority, supported by the Arab League, the US, Quartet, Israel, and everyone else with Abu Mazen being regarded as the one who cares most about his own people, and not Hamas.

If there is any good that will come from this horrible war, then it must be that Israel and the PA return to negotiations, that the US present its position on a reasonable settlement, and that both sides compromise. Peace will require p’sharah (compromise). Those who want all of their truth respected will just get more war. It is clear to me that the Palestinian people want peace most of all in a state of their own just as do a majority of Israelis. The time to make peace is when the fighting ends, hopefully very soon.

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/rabbi-menachem-creditor/im-done-apologizing-for-i_b_5606650.html

A Prayer for the State of Israel, Her People and Soldiers, and for the Innocent Among the Palestinian People

Eternal God, receive our prayers for the peace and security of the State of Israel and its people.

Spread blessing upon the Land and upon all who labor in its interest.

Protect Israeli soldiers as they defend our people against missiles and hate.

Protect the innocent among the Palestinian people, that they may be safe and free from death and injury.

Inspire Israel’s leaders to both defend our people and follow the ways of righteousness and compassion.

Remove from the hearts of our people fear, hatred, malice, strife, and vengeance.

May the Jewish people scattered throughout the earth stand strong in solidarity with the state of Israel in times of war and peace, and may they be infused with the ancient hope of Zion.

May our people be encouraged by the symbol of Jerusalem as the eternal city of peace.

May the State of Israel be a blessing to all its inhabitants and to the Jewish people everywhere,

May she be a light to the nations of the world.

Amen!

Suffering is Suffering

Suffering is suffering, regardless of the cause. That said, the differences in intent and tactics between Hamas and Israel in Gaza cannot be equated morally as has been suggested by many news outlets including, at the least, NBC and CNN (I have not made a study of them all).

Rabbi Eric Yoffie’s most recent blog, which I recommend, explains why (Time Magazine, July 14 – Bizarre Criticism of Israel: “Disproportionate” Casualtieshttp://ericyoffie.com/).

The following article is also a must-read as it is a reminder of the toll of war on the innocent, if we needed reminding after a decade of war after 9/11 in the US, and then in Afghanistan, Iraq, Libya, Egypt, Syria, Lebanon, the Congo, and God knows where else.

Report From Gaza: When My Son Screams – We don’t even seem to have a right to exist or defend ourselves. That right, according to the United States, belongs to Israel alone. By Mohammed Omer – July 15, 2014 – http://www.thenation.com/article/180656/report-gaza-when-my-son-screams#

Martin Indyk on Failed Peace Negotiations, Egyptian Cease-Fire Agreement, & J Street’s Statement on Current Crisis

Two days after Martin Indyk resigned as the Obama Administration’s chief negotiator in the American Israeli-Palestinian peace effort, and one day after 16 year-old Palestinian Mohammed Abu Kder was found murdered in a Jerusalem forest, Ambassador Martin Indyk spoke with the Atlantic Magazine’s Jeffrey Goldberg at the Aspen Ideas Festival – http://www.aspenideas.org/session/conversation-us-special-envoy-israeli%E2%80%93palestinian-negotiations-0

The Indyk conversation was reported widely after it took place, but listening to Ambassador Indyk reveals far more about the internal dynamics between the American, Israeli and Palestinian leaders than any third-person account, and so it is worth our listening to the hour-long conversation in its entirety.

Jeffrey Goldberg was an able, direct and aggressive questioner. The following were among the issues that Ambassador Indyk addressed:

• Why the Kerry Initiative really broke down
• What were Kerry’s broader foreign policy priorities
• What were the foundational demands of both Israel and the Palestinians
• How the relationship between Bibi and Abu Mazen undermined the talks
• What the PA and Israeli security forces cooperation suggests
• What Bibi’s statement means for peace when he said that Israel will not give up control of territory west of the Jordan River for 30 to 40 years
• What Abu Mazen really believes about Israel’s right to exist, non-violence, refugees, Jerusalem, a demilitarized West Bank, and an end-of-conflict agreement
• How the education of Palestinian children to hate Jews and Israelis is a problem, but not an insurmountable one
• What we might expect of the Palestinians’ attitude towards Israel when the occupation ends
• What the young generation of Palestinians really wants
• Why ideological settlements are a serious obstacle in negotiations
• Whether these negotiations were the last chance for peace

On the Egyptian Cease-Fire Proposal and J Street’s Statement on the Current Crisis

Following the Egyptian cease-fire proposal, accepted by the Israeli Cabinet, the United States and the Palestinian Authority, and rejected by Hamas, Isaac Herzog, the head of Israel’s Labor Party and leader of the opposition in Parliament, said:

“If the cease-fire doesn’t lead to forward movement in the peace process it is useless.”

Hamas spokesman Fawzi Barhum said:

“This initiative means kneeling and submissiveness and so we completely refuse it and to us, it’s not worth the ink used in writing it.”

American Jewish Organizations and J Street

Given the black and white reaction of many American Jewish organizations to the current Israeli-Hamas crisis (i.e. ‘you are either with us or against us’), J Street issued a statement condemning unconditionally Hamas’ terrorism and targeting of Israeli civilian population centers adding a series of “ands” in order to reflect a more nuanced and complete response to this crisis and the events leading up to it.

Note: I serve as a national co-chair of the J Street Rabbinic Cabinet representing 800 rabbis and cantors from across the American Jewish religious streams. I was consulted on the statement before it was released, and I supported it without hesitation.

J Street Statement on the Current Crisis
http://jstreet.org/blog/post/j-street-statement-on-the-current-crisis_1

Israeli War Ethics and Two Recommended Articles

No other army in the world takes as many precautions before striking a target as does the Israeli Defense Forces. The IDF telephones the target, drops leaflets in the immediate vicinity of the target, or drops a non-destructive charge on a targeted building sixty seconds before actually destroying it all in order to give the occupants time to escape.

A friend who was a former IDF commander said to me before Shabbat this week, “Who else tells the target before the fact that it will be a target for destruction?” He said this with pride, and I concur with the sentiment.

Of course, Israel gets little credit for this because innocent people in Gaza are indeed getting killed and injured, though at a far lower rate relative to the number of targeted Hamas strikes than one would expect, precisely because of the precautions.

Here is but one example of how IDF soldiers backed away from destroying a legitimate Hamas target when they determined that children were present – the video is from The Times of Israelhttp://www.timesofisrael.com/idf-footage-reveals-efforts-to-spare-civilians-in-gaza/?utm_source=The+Times+of+Israel+Daily+Edition&utm_campaign=237a28bbfd-2014_07_12&utm_medium=email&utm_term=0_adb46cec92-237a28bbfd-54740573

However you spin it, war is hell. It needs to be repeated, nevertheless, that Israel and Hamas treat the killing of the other very differently. As revealed by the recording of the cell phone call made by one of the Israeli teens just before he was murdered several weeks ago after he whispered, “Chatfu oti – They kidnapped me”(per JJ Goldberg’s piece below), the Hamas killers celebrated with Arabic singing.

The late Yitzhak Rabin once said, “We do not celebrate the death of our enemies,” a sentiment reflected in the midrash in which God rebuked the angels who sang praises as the Egyptians were drowning, “You shall not celebrate while my creatures perish!”

Much is being written about this conflict between Israel and Hamas. However, I recommend two very different but important articles that appeared this week:

A Damaging Distance For Israelis and Palestinians, Separation Is Dehumanizing
By ETHAN BRONNER – JULY 11, 2014 – New York Times
http://www.nytimes.com/2014/07/13/sunday-review/for-israelis-and-palestinians-separation-is-dehumanizing.html?contentCollection=world&action=click&module=NextInCollection&region=Footer&pgtype=article

Ethan Bronner of the NY Times reflects on the increasing polarization between Israelis and Palestinians since the Oslo period. He says that the separation fence built by Israel as a successful security measure to prevent suicide bombers from coming into Israeli cities and murdering Israelis, has also effectively divorced the two peoples who no longer have any human points of contact and no basis on which to build empathic relationships with one another.

How Politics and Lies Triggered an Unintended War in Gaza –
Kidnap, Crackdown, Mutual Missteps and a Hail of Rockets

By J.J. Goldberg – Jewish Daily Forward
Published July 10, 2014, issue of July 18, 2014.
http://forward.com/articles/201764/how-politics-and-lies-triggered-an-unintended-war/?p=all

J.J. Goldberg reveals that Israeli authorities knew almost immediately after the kidnapping of the three Israeli teens that they had been murdered, but chose to keep this revelation quiet in order to justify cleaning out Hamas cells in the West Bank. That military action, he says, provoked Hamas bombing and rocket fire from Gaza into Israel after a nearly 2-year effective cease-fire between Israel and Hamas. Goldberg also states that the kidnap-murder of the three Israeli teens was not ordered by Hamas officials either in Lebanon or Gaza, and was carried out by a Hebron terrorist cell. The kidnap-murderers were recorded from one of the teen’s phone calls indicating “I’ve been kidnapped” immediately shooting the teens followed by singing in celebration. Neither Israel nor Hamas intended for the current war to result from either the kidnapping/murders or the Israeli sweep of Hamas throughout the West Bank. That being said, war always brings unintended consequences, and we are all witness to that now.

Speak Tenderly to Jerusalem

I have written four separate divrei Torah this week because events in the Middle East have shifted so quickly that the theme of one drash was eclipsed almost as soon I had concluded writing it.

The first was about Pinchas, based on this week’s Parashah. Pinchas was a righteous zealot who accused, judged, condemned, and executed with one thrust of his sword an Israelite man and Midianite woman locked in amorous embrace in the camp.

The second d’var Torah focused on our people’s sympathy and love for the mourning families of the three Israeli teens murdered by Hamas terrorists a few weeks ago.

The third dvar Torah was a reflection on Israel’s sins in the wake of the vicious murder of a Palestinian Arab boy by Jewish terrorists. Despite the hate that motivated this crime, hate that went unchecked in large segments of Israeli society for many years, I intended to shine a light on the extraordinary compassion and decency of Rachel Fraenkl, the mother of Naftaly, one of the Israeli murdered teens, who offered heartfelt words of condolence to the family of 16-year-old murdered Palestinian Muhammed Abu Khdeir, saying:

Even in the abyss of mourning for Gilad, Eyal and Naftali, it is difficult for me to describe how distressed we are by the outrage committed in Jerusalem – the shedding of innocent blood in defiance of all morality, of the Torah, of the foundation of the lives of our boys and of all of us in this country.

And the fourth sermon was about my own dread and fear concerning what was to come next in light of the deteriorating relationship between Israel and the Palestinians following the collapse of the Kerry peace initiative and the murders of the four Jewish and Palestinian teens.

Then, Hamas began firing rockets and missiles from Gaza against the Israeli civilian populations in S’derot, Ashdod, Ashkelon, Tel Aviv, Haifa, and for the first time, Jerusalem.

Prime Minister Netanyahu did what he had to do. He ordered up 40,000 reserves and began pummeling Hamas missile launch sites and military targets in Gaza with remarkable accuracy, thus successfully destroying hundreds of them with, to date remarkably few civilian causalities.

Israelis are sleeping terrified in shelters just as the bombs falling in Gaza are terrifying the Palestinians living there.

What sermon should I offer today? I am admittedly heart-sick and frightened, enraged and and confused about what to think and what to say.

A friend offered me a way forward. He said, imagine that you have a beloved brother who for the past forty-seven years has been an alcoholic. He’s done some good things, but mostly he’s been self-destructive. His health is bad. You tell him to get sober, but he’s in denial and says he has a right to do with his life whatever he wants.

His life was noble and virtuous in his youth, and his family was proud of him. But now, his addiction has drained his resources and he has been forced to borrow heavily from everyone in the family to support his habit. They love him because he’s family, but so many are furious at him, and he’s lost friends, and his neighbors don’t trust him at all.

One night he’s driving home after drinking heavily and blacks out at the wheel. He runs head-on into a family van and hurts everyone, himself most of all.

You rush to the hospital and see that he is fighting for his life.

What do you do?

Do you support him and say nothing about the cause of it all, his 47-year addiction? Or do you criticize him, walk away and turn your back in disgust?

That is essentially the situation of the Jewish people today. Our brother Israel is fighting for its life, and despite the 47-year occupation of another people, when Israel is under attack, we Jews support her because she is our family and Israel is our national home.

The Biblical prophet had two primary functions when speaking on behalf of God to the people; to preach the moral truth, especially when they had committed sins of injustice, hard-heartedness, and corruption, or to offer comfort in times of suffering and distress.

Now is not the time to rebuke. Now is the time to offer our love and support.

Nachamu nachamu ami yomer Eloheichem,
Dabru al lev Yerushalayim –

“Comfort, oh comfort My People, Says your God –
Speak tenderly to Jerusalem…” (Isaiah 40:1-2)

We stand in solidarity with the people and state of Israel as it endures missile attacks by Hamas, and we pray for strength, courage and safety for the Israel Defense Forces as it responds to Hamas’ escalation of hostilities against our people.

We pray for the safety of all our Israeli brothers and sisters and for all innocent Palestinians living in this wretched theater of violence.

And we pray the Psalmist’s prayer:

“Shaalu shalom Yerushalayim – Pray for the peace of Jerusalem.” (Psalm 122:6)