Tag Archives: American Jewish Life

Why I Joined as a Plaintiff in a Law Suit Against Los Angeles County

07 Friday Feb 2014

Posted by in American Jewish Life, American Politics and Life, Ethics, Jewish-Christian Relations, Social Justice

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When the Board of Supervisors took a vote at its January meeting to restore a religious cross to the Los Angeles County Seal I was shocked, stunned and alarmed.

There are ten million citizens of Los Angeles County of whom 3.8 million are Christian, 564,000 are Jewish, 93,000 are Muslim, 70,000 are Buddhist, 73,000 are Hindu, and 4 million do not identify with any religious faith. However, by a vote of 3 (Antonovich, Knabe and Ridley-Thomas) to 2 (Molina and Yaroslavsky) the cross was ordered returned to the LA County seal, a blatant violation of the first amendment of the US Constitution that prohibits government endorsement of religion.

Ten years ago (2004) the correct decision was taken by the Board of Supervisors in a vote of 3 to 2 to remove the cross because it is a universally recognized religious symbol that is unique and special for people of Christian faith.

In response to the January Board of Supervisors vote, the ACLU invited me along with eight other religious leaders including Rabbi Harold Schulweis of Valley Beth Shalom Synagogue in Encino, UCLA Professor of Jewish History David Myers, the Reverend Peter Laarman of Progressive Christians Uniting,  Father Ian Davies of St. Thomas the Apostle Episcopal Church in Hollywood, the Reverend Ed Bacon of All Saints Church in Pasadena, Shakeel Syed, Executive Director of the Islamic Shura Council of Southern California, Rabbi Amy Bernstein of Kehillat Israel Reconstructionist Congregation in Pacific Palisades, and the Reverend Tera Little, Consulting Minister of the First Universalist Parish of Pasadena, to join as plaintiffs in this case. We all willingly agreed as religious leaders and as citizens living in LA County.

For us, our position (as opposed to that taken by Supervisors Antonovich, Knabe and Ridley-Thomas) is the true pro-religion position because we believe that by preserving the separation of church and state, we in fact preserve a safe, neutral space for followers of all religions to practice their faiths unhindered, without the implied endorsement and intimidation from an action signifying that government prefers, even symbolically, one religious denomination over others.

No child, no woman and no man should ever feel in the United States that he or she is marginal in matters of faith. America is NOT a Christian nation according to the US Constitution, nor is it a Jewish nation, a Muslim nation, or any other kind of nation based on a specific faith tradition.

Since the case was filed yesterday, Supervisor Mike Antonovich has equated the ACLU with “Storm Troopers” and thereby slandered an organization the sole purpose of which is to defend the United States Bill of Rights, a cornerstone of American democracy. The Supervisor’s language is especially offensive to me as a Jew because I associate “Storm Troopers” with Nazism. By choosing both to put the cross back on the seal and using such inflammatory language, Mr. Antonovich has made this issue particularly divisive. Rather than help to unite this county Mr. Antonovich has chosen to insult and injure decent people and thereby divide us.

I join with my co-plaintiffs and co-counsel at the ACLU and at the law firm of Caldwell, Leslie and Proctor in demanding that the Board of Supervisors reverse its January decision and save the County from spending any time and sources on this matter when so many other urgent needs are confronting it, including 50,000 homeless individuals, rising hunger and poverty, a dysfunctional foster care system, inadequate health care, and a corrupt Sheriff’s Department.

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“Jew-Free Palestine” – “Tension in Israeli Coalition” – “Israeli Manners” – “My Promised Land”

02 Sunday Feb 2014

Posted by in American Jewish Life, American Politics and Life, Book Recommendations, Ethics, Israel and Palestine, Israel/Zionism, Jewish History, Jewish Identity, Social Justice

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News, commentary, criticism, and reaction about the Kerry-Israeli-Palestinian Peace Mission are being written in great volume from every perspective within Israel and amongst the Palestinians. Among the most important pieces in recent days are these three that I recommend you read:

1. A Jew-Free Palestine – by Rabbi Donniel Hartman, Times of Israel

A superb and thoughtful analysis of the meaning of the West Bank settlements and their role in the future of the state of Israel. Rabbi Hartman says that Israel must now decide whether it wishes to be a Jewish democratic state or not.  http://blogs.timesofisrael.com/a-jew-free-palestine

2. Tension Builds in Israeli Coalition at a Critical Juncture in Peace Talks, by Jodi Rudoren, NYT

Where is Prime Minister Netanyahu vis a vis a two-state solution? Though his rhetoric is clearly in favor, his taking the hard decisions necessary to effect a concrete agreement will necessarily alienate his historic political allies. If he is serious, his compromises will reveal the extent of his political courage, which most Israelis do not believe he has. http://www.nytimes.com/2014/01/30/world/middleeast/israel.html?src=rechp

3. Israel Needs to Learn Some Manners – by Avi Shlaim, NYT

Avi Shlaim is an Iraqi-born British/Israeli historian and emeritus professor of International Relations at the University of Oxford. He is part of a group of Israeli scholars who have put forward critical interpretations of Israel and the history of Zionism (per Wikipedia). Shlaim takes Israeli right-wing government officials to task for their blatant, arrogant and dangerous treatment of Israel’s most important ally saying that these Israeli leaders (e.g. Defense Minister Yaalon, Likud leader Danon, and Bayit Hayehudi leader Bennett, among others) give chutzpah a bad name. http://www.nytimes.com/2014/01/31/opinion/israel-needs-to-learn-some-manners.html?src=rechp

Finally, I recommend “My Promised Land – The Triumph and Tragedy of Israel” by Ari Shavit (see review – Tuesday, January 14).

Shavit’s in-depth consideration of key events and phenomena that have shaped the history of Zionism and the state of Israel constitutes the most important and honest book to come out of Israel in the last 25 years. This volume will inform and provoke you, inspire you and break your heart. After reading it, your understanding will be far deeper about the meaning of the Jewish democratic state of Israel in modern Jewish history. In addition, his book will challenge your identity as a Jew, whether you live in Israel as a citizen of the state or in the Diaspora.

On Fear in the Rabbinate to Support the Kerry Mission

30 Thursday Jan 2014

Posted by in American Jewish Life, American Politics and Life, Ethics, Israel and Palestine, Israel/Zionism, Jewish History, Jewish Identity

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I am an avid reader of a restricted list-serve called RAVKAV that includes 2500 Reform Rabbis living and working in North America, Israel and around the world. Our conversation covers every possible theme. Most recently, the discussion has focused on the rabbinic and cantorial petition in support of Secretary Kerry’s Middle East Peace mission co-sponsored by the J Street Rabbinic Cabinet, T’ruah: The Rabbinic Call for Human Rights and Americans for Peace Now. I posted the petition in this space on January 26 (“For Zion’s Sake, We Will Not Be Silent” – Rabbis and Cantors Speak Out.)

A rabbi living Israel posted this comment, “The people aren’t buying the J Street solution to the Middle East.”

Disturbed by this misinformation, I posted the following:

The facts are otherwise. The recent Pew Research Center survey reveals that fully 61% of US Jews believe that prospects for peace with the Palestinians ending in an independent Palestinian state and peaceful co-existence with Israel is possible while 33% say it is not possible, which the survey says is more optimistic than the US general public (50% yes vs. 41% no) and the Israeli public (50% yes vs 38% no).     

My colleague notes as well that many of our colleagues are afraid for their jobs. I understand the fear, and if it is legitimate I do not judge any other colleague who chooses to keep his/her own counsel.

However, I ask how we congregational rabbis, in particular, can justify our not speaking out on perhaps the most important issue facing the Jewish people in our generation, whether Israel remains Jewish and democratic if it does not settle the Israeli-Palestinian conflict. Even PM Netanyahu knows that a two-state solution is the only way to do so. Though reports indicate that he is under enormous pressure from his right-wing coalition to maintain the status quo, surveys of Israelis indicate that a two-state deal with adequate security for Israelis would be accepted by 80 members of the Knesset and by a similar percentage of the Israeli public in a national referendum.

This joint statement by J Street, Americans for Peace Now, and T’ruah: The Rabbinic Call for Human Rights will demonstrate the support of large numbers of the American rabbinate and cantorate for Secretary Kerry’s peace efforts, and that will send an important message to the Obama administration and Congress that, in addition to the results of American Jewish opinion as reported in the Pew survey, that American rabbis and cantors also do not agree with the politics of the major American Jewish Organizations that have supported the more right wing position of parts of the Israeli government coalition.

One final thought to our more fearful colleagues – Rabbi Israel Salanter said it best: “A rabbi whose community does not disagree with him[her] is no rabbi. A rabbi who fears his[her] community is no mensch.”   

It is one thing to fear losing our jobs and quite another to fear the wrath and criticism of some of our congregants. If it’s the latter and my colleagues agree with the essence of the petition, I ask them to transcend their fear and sign on.”

My post, of course, did not pass without comment. The two sharpest critiques are these:

[1] J Street should stay out of making foreign policy.

[2] Rosove ought to cease calling colleagues ‘cowards’ (or not menschen) if they do not speak out.

In response to critique #1 – J Street is no different than AIPAC in advocating for the security and future of the state of Israel. If J Street has engaged in influencing American foreign policy then certainly AIPAC has done so for much longer. As American citizens, we have the right and duty to speak out, and as Jews we have the moral responsibility to do so.

Saying nothing about policies pursued by the Israeli government that we believe are contrary to Israel’s own security interests and democracy gives a pass to American Jews who advocate strongly that we should support everything the Jewish state does.

In response to critique #2 – Rabbi Israel Salanter was among the most important orthodox ethicists in 19th century European Jewry. In my RAVKAV post I acknowledged the difficulty in speaking out for those rabbis who legitimately fear for their positions and I do not judge them. However, when a rabbi simply fears upsetting some congregants and provoking criticism and remains silent, especially on matters of major Jewish and ethical significance, to me his/her own menschlechkite (per Rabbi Israel Salanter) is compromised.

I did not call any such rabbi a coward. It would be intemperate and unkind for me to do so.

 

Talking About Sex with Our Teen-Age Children – Another Difficult Conversation

28 Tuesday Jan 2014

Posted by in American Jewish Life, Ethics, Health and Well-Being, Life Cycle, Women's Rights

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One of the most uncomfortable conversations that parents of teen-agers have with their children, if indeed they have this conversation at all, is about sex. Far too many parents avoid the subject altogether out of embarrassment, ignorance or confusion, and assume that their kids will figure it out the way they did or get information from school psychologists and counselors.

Leaving this sensitive and vital area of a young person’s life to others, however, is a missed opportunity for parents to help their teen-age children navigate through rough waters while at the same time keeping open the lines of communication as their children enter young adulthood.

What does Judaism have to teach us about sex that we can discuss with our children, and what thoughts about sex might parents share with their teen-age children that can be helpful to them in our liberal age?

It is one thing for traditionally religious Jewish parents to discuss these issues with their children and quite another for secular liberal Jewish parents to discuss them. I encourage parents to speak with their rabbis, educators and development specialists if they are at a loss about what they should say and how they should say it.

Many traditional Jewish values are affirmed by all the religious streams including Orthodox, Conservative, Reconstructionist, and Reform Judaism, though the concrete behaviors relative to those values differ between the traditional and liberal approaches to Jewish tradition.

All the religious streams affirm the principle that the human being is created “B’tzelem Elohim – In God’s image” (Genesis 1:26-27) thereby endowing each person with infinite value and worth. As such, our bodies are to be appreciated as far more than millions of atoms and chemicals, flesh, bones, and blood. We are, each of us, a k’li kodesh (holy vessel) infused by the n’shamah (divine soul).

Other classic Jewish values embraced by the whole of Judaism, though understood differently by each religious stream, are tz’niyut (modesty) and anavah (humility). Ostentatious display of and exploitation of our bodies, and public sexual behavior are contrary to both liberal and traditionally religious virtues of modesty and humility.

Classic Judaism affirms essentially three purposes for sex – procreation, the establishment of loving and enduring relationships, and pleasure. Though traditional Judaism does not accept the legitimacy of homosexuality, liberal Judaism does, and it regards committed heterosexual and homosexual unions (for orthodox families heterosexual sex within marriage and for liberal families heterosexual and homosexual sex before and after marriage) as opportunities to fulfill Judaism’s three purposes of sex.

What about teen sexuality?

The most common question teens ask is: ‘How will I know when I am ready for sex?’ Planned Parenthood articulates clear and appropriate criteria in assessing a young person’s sexual readiness. It defines a healthy sexual relationship as having seven basic qualities: respect, honesty, equality, good communication, trust, fairness, and responsibility. Further, Planned Parenthood recommends that teens ask themselves these questions before they become sexually active:

  • Do each of you have the other’s consent?
  • Have you been pressured to give consent?
  • Are you honest with each other?
  • Do you treat each other as equals?
  • Are you attentive to each other’s pleasure?
  • Have you protected each other against physical and emotional harm?
  • Have you guarded against unintended pregnancy and sexually transmitted infection?
  • Are you clear with each other about what you want to do and don’t want to do?
  • Do you respect each other’s limits?
  • Have you accepted full responsibility for your actions?

I do not believe that most young teens (i.e. 13 to 18 years of age) are ready for sexual intercourse even if they are able to answer in the affirmative all these questions. Most are too emotionally immature to cope with the power of their sexual feelings and the meaning and consequences of sexual intimacy.

Parents ought to be the first to advise their children to exercise caution by discussing Jewish and family values and by encouraging their teen-age children to ask the above questions about their sexual readiness. Our children need to feel, as well, self-confident that they are able to refuse sexual activity if they feel in any way unready, uncomfortable, embarrassed, demeaned, exploited, or pressured.

Finally, our teen-age children need to understand that they are still very young and that their time will come when becoming sexually active feels and is right.

Note: This is one in a series of blogs I am writing about difficult conversations that come up in families, among friends and in the workplace that we sometimes avoid or do badly. For a complete list, see my blog entitled “Difficult Conversations – January 17, 2014.”

Telling Children that Parents are Getting a Divorce – Another Difficult Conversation

21 Tuesday Jan 2014

Posted by in American Jewish Life, Ethics, Health and Well-Being, Life Cycle

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Few events are as destabilizing, disappointing, painful, and sad as divorce, and when children are involved the potential for real harm to them is great if parents are not careful about what they say and how they behave.

No matter how contentious the parents’ relationship has become, they should strive to do everything possible to spare their children unnecessary exposure to their anger and disappointment. Since every age of childhood requires special understanding relative to the child’s developmental and emotional needs, child development experts should be consulted to assist parents and teachers in helping children cope with the dramatic changes taking place in their family.

Both parents should agree on how and when they explain their divorce to their children and how they will relate to their children following the announcement. It is best when children are told with both parents present.

Parents should never speak ill of each other to the children, as doing so will be emotionally damaging.

When telling their children, I recommend that they say something to this effect:

“We both love you. We will always be your parents. Sadly, we have decided that it would be better for us not to live together or to continue being married. Our decision has nothing to do with you. There is nothing you did that caused us to end our marriage and there is nothing you can do to bring us back together. We know that our divorce is deeply disappointing and distressing to you, as it is to us, and that you are very sad about it, as are we, but we believe that this change will be better for us, and we hope in time that you will understand. We are both here for you. We both love you.” 

It is a mistake for parents to share details of what went wrong in their marriage with their children. The children may know that there have been problems, but they do not need to know specifics, for that is the parents’ business and theirs alone.

Parents need to remember that their children are watching them. Everything they say and do affects them, and they will learn to cope with their own life challenges by the example their parents set as they cope with the end of their marriage.

Parents need not be stoic in front of their kids, but neither should they show constantly to them how grieved, angry, pained, and disappointed the parents feel.

Parents should strive to keep the children’s lives as normal as possible, should be open to hearing what their kids think and feel, and should not try and convince their kids that they are wrong to feel as they do, that they should “get over it” before they are ready, or ignore the pain they feel. Parents should accept what their kids say on their terms and affirm that their feelings are legitimate.

Parents should hug their children a lot and tell them how much they love them.

It is important that the children of divorcing parents have the support of close family, friends, clergy, therapists, and teachers. Parents should explain to their children how important it is for their teachers to be aware about the divorce so that they can emotionally support them as needed in the classroom.

The time following divorce, like that following a death, needs a grieving period. Shock, denial, anger, sadness, and acceptance are part of what divorcing parents can anticipate from their children. Children might act out in a variety of ways. Some may not react during the first months, and their reactions will vary according to age and respective relationships with each parent. As parents and children move through this transition together, children should understand that they must speak respectfully to their parents and siblings even if they are furious at their parents for this change that has been imposed on their lives.

It is a mistake for parents to over-compensate in what they allow and give to their children. Parents should not attempt to buy their child’s happiness. Among the most important things parents can do is to agree together on their expectations, privileges and punishments. This is often difficult, but if parents, despite their antagonisms, are willing to communicate and coordinate regarding their children, so that neither home is viewed as a sanctuary from the other home, then the stability and constancy children need will be more likely to occur.

I have written a booklet called “When Jews Divorce” that more completely discusses the Jewish view on divorce and other options for divorcing partners. It can be found on my synagogue’s website at http://www.tioh.org/images/Worship/ClergyStudy/when%20jews%20divorce.pdf.

Note: This is one in a series of blogs I am writing about difficult conversations that come up in families, among friends and in the workplace that we sometimes avoid or do badly. For a complete list, see my blog “More Difficult Conversations – January 17, 2014.”

The Most Important Book to Come out of Israel in Years – “My Promised Land – The Triumph and Tragedy of Israel” by Ari Shavit

14 Tuesday Jan 2014

Posted by in Book Recommendations, Israel and Palestine, Israel/Zionism, Jewish History, Jewish Identity

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Much has been written already about  Ari Shavit’s “My Promised Land – The Triumph and Tragedy of Israel” (just published).  I have included the links to four reviews below, and I add my accolades to theirs.

This new book is a must read for anyone wishing to understand the complexity of the competing ideologies, nationalisms, politics, cultures, religions, ethnicities, histories, and narratives  that make up modern Israel. The left-leaning Israeli author shines a light as well on how the Zionist movement,  the establishment of the State of Israel and Israel’s wars and security concerns have transformed the Jewish people and state for better and worse, and impacted the lives and aspirations of the Palestinian people.

Ari Shavit is a veteran journalist at Haaretz, Israel’s equivalent of The New York Times. His book is not an historian’s objective record of events, though there is much history in it. Rather,  this is both a memoir and a journalistic investigation into the nature of modern Israel using hundreds of interviews of Israelis and Palestinians conducted over many years.

The strengths of the book are many. It is the story behind the headlines as told personally by the leading players. Whether Shavit agrees with them or not, he lets them tell their own stories. He is a gifted writer, and his depth of knowledge and insight into Israel’s history and into trends within the various narratives is second to none.

The book at once informs, enthralls, inspires, disgusts, and breaks your heart, whether you be an Israeli Jew, an Israeli Arab citizen, a Palestinian, an American, or anyone else who reads it and is open to Israel’s triumph and tragedy. Tom Friedman wrote in the NYT that everyone involved in the Israeli-Palestinian negotiations ought to read this book immediately.

Finally, if you are a Jew living in Israel or the Diaspora, this book will likely challenge the meaning of your Jewish identity – so beware! However, as a good friend likes to say, “Love is what remains when you know the whole truth.” I pray that she is correct in this case.

I believe that “My Promised Land” is the most important book to come out of Israel in many years, and I recommend it without hesitation.

Here are four additional reviews worth reading:

Dwight Gardner of The New York Times – http://www.nytimes.com/2013/11/20/books/ari-shavits-my-promised-land.html?_r=0

Michael Berenbaum of The Los Angeles Jewish Journal – http://www.jewishjournal.com/books/article/michael_berenbaum_review_ari_shavits_my_promised_land

Noam Sheizaf of +972 Magazine – http://972mag.com/book-review-on-ari-shavits-my-promised-land/83686/

Jane Eisner of The Jewish Daily Forward – http://forward.com/articles/187813/art-shavit-still-believes-in-a-promised-land/?p=all

 

The Ethics and Politics of Street Tzedakah – Part II

08 Wednesday Jan 2014

Posted by in American Jewish Life, American Politics and Life, Ethics, Social Justice, Uncategorized

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When I lived in Berkeley in the late ‘60s and early ‘70s, walking along Telegraph Avenue could be expensive if you gave to every panhandler who asked for spare change. Not that much has changed in all these years. The number of people asking for hand-outs is at least as great as it was, and perhaps more so. Given the nagging high national unemployment rate of 7% and the large numbers of long-term unemployed who have been unable to find work, the high number of under-employed, the historically low minimum wage, the federal cuts to food stamps for the working poor, and the threat that Congress will not extend unemployment insurance, it is no surprise that people asking for help on the street is so ever-present.

What to do? Democrats in Congress who believe that the federal government should extend a helping hand, especially in difficult times, are slogging it out with a recalcitrant hard-hearted extremist Republican party that cares little for “the least among these” (Matthew 25:40) despite their own Christian faith claims.

What about us? Do we give to the people on the street? Something to everyone, nothing to anyone, sporadically when we feel like it?

I confess that over the years I have been alternately generous and tight-fisted. Sometimes I open my wallet, but more often I walk by without responding, always feeling guilty when I do.

A week ago, my friend Letty Cottin Pogrebin sent me a link to an Op-ed she had just written for Moment Magazine called “The Politics and Ethics of Street Tzedakah” (http://www.momentmag.com/opinion-politics-ethics-street-tzedakah/). After reading it I felt especially ashamed of myself.

I decided, both for the sake of the person asking for help and for myself, that henceforth I would give to everyone asking me for assistance. This week, so far, I have given to five individuals, a dollar per person, not very much in the grand scheme of things (perhaps $250-300 annually). The pay-off, however, is great in human terms. The opportunity to connect heart to heart and soul to soul with a stranger in need is a benefit for both him/her and me.

In each of the five cases this week, the recipient responded gratefully: “Thank you brother!” “God bless you!” “Have a great day!” They felt seen and respected. I felt I did the right thing. It was, in a limited way, a win-win though my dollar gift did little to solve the great socio-economic problems in our country.

None of those who panhandle wish to be doing so. One young man walking through traffic was holding a sign that read, “This is humiliating to me, but I am hungry. Please help!”

To those who say skeptically that these people are scamming us, that they can do better standing at a busy intersection than by actually getting a job, I ask only that you put yourselves in their place and reflect on what it would have taken for someone to do what they are doing.

Regarding giving when we legitimately suspect fraud, Rabbi Chayim of Sanz (1793-1876) said:

“The merit of tzedakah is so great that I am happy to give to 100 beggars even if only one might actually be needy. Some people, however, act as if they are exempt from giving charity to 100 beggars in the event that one might be a fraud.” (Darkai Chaim, publ. 1962, p. 137)

Maimonides reminds us that “One must never turn a poor person away empty-handed, even if you give him a dry fig.” (Mishneh Torah, “Gifts to the Poor” 7:7)

The obligation to give tzedakah includes everyone without exception, even the poor who receive from community funds and individual handouts (Shulchan Aruch, Yoreh Deah 248:1). When the poor gives, they realize that there are others worse off than themselves.

According to surveys, the American Jewish community is the most generous community in the country per capita. I am proud that our people give to all kinds of worthy causes, to alleviate suffering here and around the world, to the people and state of Israel, to local, national and international Jewish causes, to synagogues and food pantries, homeless programs, and refugee organizations, to universities, hospitals, art museums, and symphony orchestras. We write checks because we know that Judaism requires it, because we know the heart of the stranger, the poor and oppressed, and in the interest of tikun olam.

But how often do we give when we meet strangers on the street?

I have decided that I am no longer walking by without giving. My personal pledge is to carry one dollar bills at all times, and to give them whenever asked, not just for the sake of the other, but for my own sake as well.

Helping Families Have the Most Difficult Conversation

31 Tuesday Dec 2013

Posted by in American Jewish Life, American Politics and Life, Ethics, Health and Well-Being, Life Cycle, Uncategorized

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Over the weekend I listened to a moving interview on NPR by Linda Wertheimer of former Boston Globe columnist Ellen Goodman concerning a project that Ms. Goodman helped to establish to encourage adult children and their parents to talk openly about the most difficult and challenging of life’s transitions at the end of life. It is called “The Conversation Project.” Its home page says that

“It’s time to transform our culture so we shift from not talking about dying to talking about it. It’s time to share the way we want to live at the end of our lives. And it’s time to communicate about the kind of care we want and don’t want for ourselves.”  [See: http://theconversationproject.org/about/]

Most people, Ellen Goodman says, have not had that conversation and therefore are unprepared for the inevitable, though most elderly parents have clear ideas about what they want at the end of their lives. They don’t share their wishes with their children, however, because they fear burdening and worrying them, and adult children don’t raise the matter with their parents because they fear upsetting them.

Goodman notes that as unsettling an experience as a parent’s death is, surveys indicate that when conversations about it take place there results less depression, less sorrow, less guilt, and less regret felt by everyone. The conversation can be among the richest and most intimate that we ever have together.

When there is no conversation, however, children often feel lonely and uncertain about what to do when their parents die because they do not know what their parents would have wanted. If adult children, in trepidation, fear and/or denial avoid the inevitable and suppress conversation when their parents want to talk, their parents feel cut off and likely never will have the opportunity to make known what they really want to their children.

The Conversation Project has conducted surveys showing a substantial gap between what people want and what they have shared with those closest to them:

  • 90% know it is important to have these conversations, but only 30% are having them;
  • 60% say that it is “extremely important” that families not be burdened by tough decisions, but 56% have not communicated their end-of-life wishes;
  • 70% say they prefer to die at home, but 70% actually die in a hospital, nursing home or long-term care facility;
  • 82% believe it is important to put their wishes in writing, but only 23% have done so.

The Conversation Project’s “Starter-Kit” offers a workbook of questions that needs to be clarified and shared, and acknowledges how difficult it is for many people to know how to begin the conversation. The Project organizers suggest starting by completing this sentence: “What matters to me at the end of life is…..”

They offer other questions for parents to ask themselves and then share with their children for discussion:  

  • What is most important to me?
  • What can I not imagine living without?
  • What are my greatest worries at the end of my life?
  • Who do I trust to talk to about my desires and wishes?
  • What milestones do I want to meet before I die?
  • What do I want to know about my health?
  • What do I want my loved ones to know about my health?
  • How aggressive should the treatment be in the last stages of my life?
  • Who do I want involved in my end-of-life care?
  • What do I want my loved ones, doctors/nurses and clergy to understand about my wishes?
  • Do I wish to be alone or surrounded by my loved ones when I die?
  • What do I want my loved ones to do when I die?
  • What affairs do I need to get in order now?
  • Do I have a will/trust set up and an Advanced Directive (AD), Health Care Proxy (HCP) and Living Will in place?

The Conversation Project is a gentle, thoughtful and loving prod to help open the hearts, minds and souls of parents and children to each other as the end of life approaches.

See Wertheimer’s and Goodman’s NPR conversation here:  http://www.npr.org/2013/12/28/257822206/helping-families-have-the-most-difficult-conversation

To assist Jews in thinking about Judaism’s traditions concerning terminal illness, death, funerals, burial, and mourning, I have written a 45-page life-cycle guide called “Preparing for Jewish Burial and Mourning”  in an easy-to-use format that addresses most of the questions Jews concerning end-of-life matters, as well as a practical step-by-step guide to prepare for it. See: http://www.tioh.org/images/Worship/ClergyStudy/preparing%20for%20jewish%20burial%20and%20mourning.pdf or http://hillsidememorial.org/images/Jewish-Lifecycle-Guide.pdf.

Don’t put off thinking about these matters, putting your wishes in writing, and discussing them forthrightly with the people you love the most. The time is now.

Year End Reflections of a More Personal and Rabbinic Kind

29 Sunday Dec 2013

Posted by in American Jewish Life, Ethics, Health and Well-Being, Jewish History, Jewish Identity, Life Cycle, Musings about God/Faith/Religious life, Social Justice

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On June 10, 1979, I ascended the steps to the bimah at Temple Emanuel in New York City and stood before the open ark with Rabbi Alfred Gottschalk (z’l), President of the Hebrew Union College – Jewish Institute of Religion (the Reform rabbinic seminary). He placed his hands upon my shoulders in the traditional gesture of S’michah (lit. “Laying on of hands”), looked intensely into my eyes and asked, “Are you prepared to serve as a Rav b’Yisrael (a Rabbi in Israel)?”

“Yes!” I said, and he ordained me “Rabbi.”

Truth be told, I wasn’t at all prepared. Yes, I had learned a great deal and thought deeply about many things, but I had no clue about what would be demanded of me in serving a synagogue community, the Jewish people and God.

Among the most difficult and persistent challenges I have had as a congregational rabbi is to constantly shift my mood and thinking at the drop of a hat (often multiple times daily) according to the demands of the occasion (e.g. birth, b’nai mitzvah, conversion, marriage, divorce and other life traumas, illness, death, and mourning).

Add to that challenge my need to grow spiritually, deepen my Jewish understanding and Hebrew knowledge, and help my congregants understand what it means to be American Jews, ohavei am Yisrael (lovers of the Peoplehood of Israel) and ohavei M’dinat Yisrael (lovers of the State of Israel).

Being a Reform rabbi these days means being a kol bo (i.e. all things to all people) and an emotional chameleon.

The American Reform rabbi’s multiple roles as master of the tradition, teacher, ethical and spiritual leader, friend and pastor, trouble-shooter and problem solver, communal and personal healer, progressive visionary and social activist, and representative of Judaism and the Jewish people are daunting, overwhelming and impossible for any one person to fulfill. I think back to the moment as an undergraduate at the University when I decided to enter the rabbinate, and I realize how very naïve I was.

Having said this, I know that many in other professions and life-roles confront equivalent demands and pressures. What we all share is the need to compartmentalize our lives to such an extent that we can jump effectively from one situation to the next without losing ourselves, damaging our integrity or becoming hard-hearted. We have to be able to hold multiple thoughts and conflicting feelings at the same time, to feel both the joys and sorrows of living without being overwhelmed by one or the other, to appreciate ourselves and others as reflections of Divinity despite our numerous flaws, and to set high moral and ethical standards even as we expect failure, without our resorting to unpleasant, cruel and unnecessary rancor and personal attack.

None of us can do this by ourselves. We need good people in this work – loving spouses/partners, trusted friends, kind and capable colleagues, smart and big-hearted lay leaders, and a community that shares common values, ethics and vision.

Despite the challenges I face continually as a congregational rabbi, this sacred work has been and continues to be rewarding beyond measure. I am grateful for that and for all the people alongside whom I work and love.

As 2014 commences, I wish for you and all those dear to you a year of good health, joy amidst sorrow, spiritual and emotional growth, and expanded meaning.

May Israel reach, at last, a secure and lasting peace with the Palestinian people in a two states for two peoples final resolution of their conflict.

And may all humankind live peacefully under their vines and fig trees with none to make them afraid.

Happy New Year!

Express Your Gratitude to 25 American Universities for Protesting ASA Boycott of Israeli Universities

24 Tuesday Dec 2013

Posted by in American Jewish Life, American Politics and Life, Ethics, Israel/Zionism, Jewish History, Uncategorized

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My friend and colleague, Rabbi Jeffrey Salkin, has written an appeal for us to perform an important mitzvah: hakarat ha-tov – “recognizing the good” by thanking the Presidents and Chancellors of 25 American colleges and universities that have refused to join the boycott of Israeli universities called by the American Studies Association (ASA).

Not only have these academic leaders refused to join the ASA boycott, but many have made strongly worded public statements condemning the Association’s bigoted assault not only on the integrity of Israel’s institutions of higher learning, but on the State of Israel itself.

Israel is a great democracy, and as all great democracies it has its share of imperfections. However, for the ASA to single out Israel when truly grievous human rights abuses are occurring in countries all over the world that make Israel’s imperfections pale by comparison raises serious questions not only about the fairness of the supporters of the ASA anti-Israel boycott, but also about their deeper motives, their anti-Jewish and anti-Israel animus, and their personal integrity.

Rabbi Salkin has provided us the names, email addresses, and mailing addresses of the leadership of these 25 institutions. He says

“… it is not enough to scream gevalt when we have been wounded. We also have to scream ‘thank you’ to those who are our friends, to those who stood up for truth, to those who have refused to have their educational institutions seduced by all too common siren song of anti-Israelism. We need to thank those institutions, especially if we are alumni of them, and/or our children or grandchildren attend them.”

Here is the letter that I wrote and sent this morning, in answer to Jeff’s call, to each of the twenty-five university and college presidents and chancellors. I urge you to follow suit and fill their mailboxes with our individual and collective love and gratitude. Feel free to use my letter as is, or change it, or write your own; but write to let them know that their courage and commitment to truth and decency has not gone unnoticed nor unappreciated.

Dear President/Chancellor:

I want to add my voice to the voices of countless fair-minded people in expressing my deepest gratitude to you and your university for your commitment to truth, intellectual honesty and independent inquiry, to common decency and fairness, and to your courage and generosity of spirit in standing up to and protesting the American Studies Association (ASA) boycott of the State of Israel’s academic institutions.

What you have done preserves the dignity and integrity not only of Israel’s institutions of higher learning, but of your own.

I am grateful beyond words.

Sincerely,

Rabbi John L. Rosove

Senior Rabbi – Temple Israel of Hollywood, Los Angeles, CA

Boston University. Dr. Robert A. Brown, President. John and Kathryn Silber
Administrative Center, 1 Silber Way (8th Floor), Boston, MA. 02215.
president@bu.edu

Brandeis University. Fred Laurence, President. Office of the President,
Irving Enclave 113, MS 100, 415 South Street, Waltham, MA 02453

Brown University. Christina Paxson, President. Office of the President,
Brown University, Box 1860, 1 Prospect Street, Providence, RI 02912

Cornell University. David J. Skorton, President. Office of the President,
300 Day Hall, Cornell University, Ithaca, NY 14853. president@cornell.edu

Dickinson College. Nancy A. Roseman, President. Dickinson College, Post
Office Box 1773 , Carlisle, PA 17013. presofc@dickinson.edu

Duke University. Richard A. Brodhead, President. Office of the President,
Duke University, 207 Allen Building, Box 90001, Durham, NC 27708-0001.
president@duke.edu

George Washington University. Steven Knapp, President. Rice Hall, 2121 I
Street, NW, Suite 801, Washington, DC 20052

Harvard University. Dr. Drew Faust, President. Office of the President,
Harvard University, Massachusetts Hall, Cambridge, MA 02138
president@harvard.edu

Indiana University. Michael A. McRobbie, President. Office of the
President, Indiana University, Bryan Hall 200, 107 S. Indiana Ave.,
Bloomington, IN 47405

Michigan State University. Lou Anna K. Simon, President. Office of the
President, Michigan State University, 426 Auditorium Road, Hannah
Administration Building, Room 450, East Lansing, MI 48824-1046.
presmail@msu.edu

New York University. John Sexton, President. Office of the President, New
York University, 70 Washington Square South, New York, NY 10012
john.sexton@nyu.edu

Northwestern University. Morton Shapiro, President. 2-130 Rebecca Crown
Center, 633 Clark Street, Evanston, Illinois 60208.
nu-president@northwestern.edu

Princeton University. Christopher L. Eisgruber, President. Office of the
President, 1 Nassau Hall, Princeton University, Princeton, NJ 08544

Tulane University. Scott S. Cowen, President. Tulane University, 218 Gibson
Hall, 6823 St. Charles Avenue, New Orleans, LA 70118-5684

University of California-Irvine. Michael V. Drake, MD, Chancellor.
University of California, Irvine, Irvine, CA 92697 chancellor@uci.edu

University of California-San Diego. Praddep K. Khosia, chancellor-elect.
Office of the Chancellor, University of California, San Diego, 9500 Gilman
Drive # 0005, La Jolla, California 92093-0005. chancellor@ucsd.edu

University of Kansas. Bernadette Gray-Little, Chancellor. Chancellor’s
Office, University of Kansas, 230 Strong Hall, Lawrence, KS 66045-7518.
chancellor@ku.edu

University of Maryland. Wallace D. Loh, President. University of Maryland,
1101 Main Administration Building, College Park, MD 20742-6105
president@umd.edu

University of Pennsylvania. Amy Gutmann, President. Office of the President,
University of Pennsylvania, 1 College Hall, Room 100, Philadelphia, PA
19104-6380. presweb@pobox.upenn.edu

University of Pittsburgh. Mark Nordenberg, Chancellor. University of
Pittsburgh , 107 Cathedral of Learning, Pittsburgh, PA 15260

University of Texas-Austin. William Powers, Jr., President. Office of the
President, 110 Inner Campus Drive, Stop G3400, Austin, TX. 78712-3400

Washington University in St. Louis. Mark Stephen Wrighton, Chancellor.
Campus Box 1192, One Brookings Drive , St. Louis, MO 63130
wrighton@wustl.edu

Wesleyan University. Michael S. Roth, President. 229 High Street,
Middletown, CT. 06459. presoffice@wesleyan.edu

Willamette University. Stephen E. Thorsett, President. 900 State Street,
Salem, Oregon 97301 president@willamette.edu

Yale University. Peter Salovey, President. President’s Office , Yale
University PO Box 208229 , New Haven, CT 06520-8229
presidents.office@yale.edu